Mommy Guilt :: Lessons Learned

 

This week my mommy guilt kicked into high gear.  What should have been a week of bliss quickly turned into late night problem solving, lots and lots of tears, and cold compresses.  It wasn't all bad, but it wasn't all good either  This quote by J.D. Salinger really speaks to me and I think there is definitely more than a kernel of truth to it - at least for this mother.

Bodega Harbour Pool
Art Word for the Day :: FORWARD

The third week in July signals our annual pilgrimage to Bodega Bay [a mere seven miles west of us]. Our dear friends loan us their weekend beach home and we settle in like we're on a real vacation.  Here's a few blog posts from years gone by 2013, 2012, 2011, 2010.

Sunset cocktails with the Rangels
Art word for the day :: GROW

We have friends over for sunset cocktails, easy dinners & catch up on our reading and t.v. watching.  We settle into a routine of early mornings, loading sports gear in and out of the car and we usually try really hard to disconnect from our normal lives.  These easy-breezy routines proved to be a challenge this time around.

Art Word for the Day :: HOME
Our home as viewed through the blooming Queen Anne's Lace

In the months leading up to this week, Grady told us he wasn't really into golf and the fact that he didn't want to continue taking lessons.  He shared that tennis lessons & swimming with his friends were his favorite parts of the week.  His father assured him that one day he would appreciate knowing the basics of golf and that he needed to take the lessons he signed up for.  We decided this would be the last year of making him take golf lessons, but he had to follow through with this year's commitment.  Looking back, I wish we had heeded this no golf premonition.

Sunset + hammock on the back deck
Art word for the day :: LIQUID

Grady got a major haircut during the week prior to camp and, therefore, had baby fresh skin on his neck, ears and around his hairline.  In a lame display of my mothering prowess, I neglected to put sunscreen on my son's ears and oh did they get burnt!  Like really, really fried.  Motherhood fail…big time.  He soldiered on for Day 1 of Camp and did the golf-tennis-pool circuit, but those little ears were fire engine red, swollen and hot to the touch.

Art word for the day :: KALEIDOSCOPE
Colored pencil sharpening as meditation

Our days usually start early with golf, a quick transfer to tennis, and we grab a quick lunch by the pool and he swims for hours - making new friends or reconnecting with last summer's friends.  All the while, I sit on a lounge chair and try to read.  Really, I'm watching all the connections, the laughter and looking for the signs that my kiddo has had enough.  When he finally tires of swimming, I wrap him up in a beach towel and we head home for afternoon naps.

The naked ladies are up early this year & their color is influencing my art making
Womb paintings in progress

I could tell by the look in his eyes that this boy was not okay on Day 2.  His eyeballs were bloodshot, his ears were puffed out to the max and he was warm to the touch.  We abbreviated our time spent at the pool and headed back to the beach house for a cool shower and cold compresses for his ears, which were now starting to blister.  Oh, how could I have been so stupid and forgotten the ears?

Old man sun hat became mandatory during the latter part of the week
We had unprecedented sunshine the entire week we were in Bodega Bay (usually it's grey & foggy)

It's hard to see your child lethargic and out of it, especially when you have so much fun planned for them.  In the middle of the night he woke up crying, in pain and not sure what was going on.  I washed his face with a cool washcloth and brought him to bed with us.  I stroked his brow and lulled him to sleep.  His ears were sensitive, raw and I'm pretty sure he had all of the symptoms of a mild sun stroke.   Oh, my mother's guilt was starting to set in.  It's a powerful, powerful thing.

Art word of the day :: IMAGINE
Our kitchen table during morning art sessions

He continued his lessons, but I lathered him up with sunscreen and zinc oxide.  I made him drink lots of water and eliminated the pool time from his routine.  He pushed through for the remainder of the week, but he just wasn't himself.  A sinus infection was developing, too, and we just needed to get home.  I silently promised myself that I would travel with 100 SPF sunscreen in my purse for the next 13 years.

Art word for the day :: JABBERWOCKY
Reunited with the Rangel girls upon their arrival home from a month long trip to Spain

Once we got back to our home at the end of the week, things started to improve and the brightness returned to his eyes and cheeks.  I decided to really focus on resting and getting him well, as our big trip to Alaska was on the horizon and less than a week away.

Purple potatoes from Bloomfield Organics from our CSA box
New book :: Alabama Moon by Watt Key (he can't put it down)

We lost ourselves in books and art, but not before he had another meltdown about our new daily art project that we had been working on.  He shared that he wanted to be free with his art and not have an assignment.  I had to let go, if I learned nothing over the last 10 days - I had to learn to listen to this kid and what he's feeling.  I had to pay attention to the signs and honor his words.  And, so I did.  There were tears and good talks and all that stuff that goes into making a good decision.  I would miss our mornings drawing together, but he needed a say and I needed to let him know he was heard. I have a feeling he'll be back sooner rather than later at the kitchen table.  

I'll wait.  

It'll give me a chance to absorb a big 'ole lesson in patience and give him some space.

My tendency to go full steam ahead needed to be tempered and he reminded me of that.  And while mommy's guilt is generally counter-productive, in theory, I think it was a nice big red flag for me to STOP, listen, slow down and tune in to what my kid was saying.

And, as far as art goes, I don't want to be bossy art mom.  That sounds horrible, right?  No fun at all.  I just want to be there for him and make space for him to show up, pick up a pencil and start again when he's ready.

By the end of this week I forgave myself for not putting sunscreen on my sweet kid and protecting him from the sun.  I also forgave myself for unwittingly pushing him creatively.  These two separate experiences actually served as a wonderful metaphor and a great reminder that I can't protect him from everything and I can't force him to use his talents.

I can only lead by example, show him what to do and do the best I can.

If that's slightly insane…then so be it.

Disconnected :: Connected

Arriving in San Jose, Costa Rica (Sunrise)

As we drove away from our home and down the dirt road that leads us to Highway One, sheets of rain came down in earnest.  Up ahead, the road was flooded and we had to detour to Petaluma.  

We shed our coats and hastily threw them back in our car and made a break for the shuttle bus pointed towards San Francisco.  We just made it.  

At San Francisco Airport the Delta employee moved us to an earlier flight to insure we would make our next connection.  LAX airport had been grounded due to weather.  We waited, along with a hundred or so other people and quietly ticked off the minutes in our minds, calculating how long we had to make our connecting flight.

We had 13 minutes to disembark from our plane, run through the terminal O.J. Simpson-style and hop on the Boeing 757 with five minutes to spare.  This was the red-eye flight from LAX to San Jose, Costa Rica and relief washed over us as we settled into our stiff, upright seats.  

We arrived into San Jose groggy and our clothes wrinkled.  After clearing customs and shuffling towards baggage claim, the warm air enveloped us as we exited the airport and we slowly slid into our waiting taxi and immediately dozed off to sleep.

Best last minute thrifting decision.  A carry-on/beach bag that holds EVERYTHING!

As we pulled into Quepos, our eyes adjusted to the small city that we would call home for nine days.  There were dozens of pedestrians risking their lives to cross the street, bicycles rolling towards to the grocery store and colorful signage decorating the buildings as we whirred past.

Our friend built the house we would be staying at in Quepos and he was kind enough to let us stay here to mark Steve’s 50th birthday.  As we pulled up to our friend’s home, we were a bit weathered from traveling.  We walked up the tiled steps and were greeted by a bright yellow facade and a backyard full of roughly landscaped jungle.

I've been trying to read this book for years.  I finally settled in and can't put it down.

There is a cacophony of insects and birds singing and talking to the wind just outside the window screens.  We quickly set about unpacking, changing our stale clothes.  Our only priority was hanging the hammocks and settling in for an afternoon of napping.

The art of an ice cold beverage here is really important.  Fresca, rum over ice, bottled water.  We imbibed to stay cool, we imbibed to feel refreshed.

There is an unhurried vibe in the home (very much unlike our home).  The air is thick with laziness and moisture.

As we were lulled to dreamland in our rocking hammocks, music quietly oozed out of the screen windows…

Bob Marley.
Mermen.
Clem Snide.

We were languid and relaxed.  The days, weeks and months of responsibilities quickly were shed from our overloaded minds.  Our only jobs were to read, lay about and listen to music.  This pattern was quick to develop and surprisingly easy to adapt to.

The hammocks are a revelation.  Why do we not currently own a hammock (or two)?  How is it that we’ve been together all these years and no hammock has been hung from the fruit trees in our small orchard?  Oh, we will definitely be getting a hammock when we get home.  The boy is smitten and his daily afternoon siestas are becoming a thing of beauty.  He retreats to the back deck, kicks off his shoes, bundles himself up in the fetal position and then sleep rapidly takes over his little body.  I slowly rock the hammock and softly brush the short thicket of hair across his forehead.  His breathing is easy, rhythmic and steady.  He is in a deep, deep sleep.  I can’t stop watching him from where I lie.  I love him so much at this moment and want to burn this memory on my brain forever, so that I can come back and visit it whenever I want.  

Grady's hammock of choice on the shady back deck

My heart is so full for both of the guys in my life.  We needed this trip.  All of us really, really needed it.

The afternoon heat is sweltering.  Clothing of any kind becomes like a noose around our entire bodies.  We have taken to shedding all clothing and wearing the lightweight comfort of a colorful rectangle of fabric, a sarong.

My husband’s quick transformation into a sarong-wearing slacker delights and surprises me.  Grady has taken to calling our sarong-wearing ways to an exaggerated “soooooo wrong”, but I quite like the change.  We slipped out of our city clothes and easily slid into our off-mode.  We picked up our unread books, colored the blank pages of our journals and busted out our vintage set of dominoes.  

In our day-to-day lives we are busy, focused, driven and task-oriented.  I like that about us.  And…I sometimes don’t like that about us.

Manuel San Antonio National Park Beach

Today we disconnected.

And we connected.

50 is the new 40 :: Happy Birthday, Steve!

Steve's 50th birthday was discussed at length this year.  Usually, he's not one for making a fuss about himself but this year was different.  We needed to do something to mark this milestone and we discussed so many options that it finally overwhelmed me and I decided to surprise him with a trip to Costa Rica in March and a plan to skip the parties.  I knew he'd be okay with that.

As the days were leading up to his birthday, I became really sick and bedridden.  My mind was racing and all of a sudden I wanted to do something else to mark the day of his birth.

Luckily, we have very sweet friends who own Rocker Oysterfeller's Kitchen + Saloon and wanted to treat my husband to a special meal and libations on Tomales Bay on his actual birthday.  I rallied and drove my husband down to his surprise birthday luncheon at the Tomales Bay Oyster Company.

Our friends are expert caterers and thought of everything.  Bubbly, specialty tequila, oysters, chili and flank steak tacos.  We laughed, sipped and spent the best four hours on the bay catching up and watching our friend, the chef, work his magic and create his art.  The food and company were  fabulous.

Thanks, Shona + Brandon.  You guys are the best.  Thank you for celebrating my husband and being such amazing friends.  We're lucky to have you in our lives.

We had one more celebration the very next night with a quiet dinner party for eight at River's End.  Again, our friends own this magical place and the wines and meal were over the top spectacular.  Bert even bought a cake and busted out a 1979 Fonseca Ruby Port to punctuate the end of the evening.

In addition to the Costa Rica trip, I wanted to purchase a piece of art for Steve that marked this special birthday.  I ended up purchasing original drawing from our friend and artist, Hannah Day.  It's an ink drawing on recycled paper of a red ladder leaning up against a leafless tree and a dozen or so little tiny ribbons on the branches blowing in the breeze.  I think it's just beautiful and told Steve the ribbons symbolize many of his life-to-date accomplishments, with many more ribbons to come!

I hear 50 is the new 40 and you've never looked better, Hecht.

Happy, happy birthday, my love.

2014 :: Acceptance

This year started out slow and quiet.  Our family spent a quiet night watching movies and falling asleep before midnight.  It was exactly what we needed after the hustle and bustle of the holiday season.

I jumped back into my exercise routine by taking a six mile New Year's Day hike with my fellas and our good friends.  I also had the urge to cook at home and try to reboot our healthy eating habits.

Coffee + Beet Juice Study

I've started a drawing a day journal, along with Grady, and I think this will be a fun exercise in trying new things and not getting so attached or intimidated by making art.  Grady plans on using his Brushes application on the iPad and saving same in Dropbox every day this calendar year.  Yes, he's learning a lot about that thing.

Keri Smith's Wreck This Journal Series were a big hit with the kids

We ended the last few days of winter break with friends.  G had his bestie sleep over (which is almost unheard of around here!) and the Rangel girls spent a sunny Sunday with us playing games, running around the property with water guns and critiquing the chicken liver pate that I made with Jill earlier in the week.  The verdict?  It needs a bit more salt say the juvenile pate experts.

It took us all week, but we finally finished writing our thank you notes.  I usually like to have this done on January 1st, but it just wasn't in the cards this year.

My word for the year is Acceptance.  Last year's words were Let It Go.  I feel like I did relinquish a few things in my mind, as well as in my day-to-day life of obligations in 2013.  I really let traditions go over the holidays and it did feel good to let it go and try something new.

I'll work harder on accepting myself this year, my choices, my life and how I contribute to this great big beautiful world.  I'm going to try a few new things on for size and accept my progress as success, whether I succeed in the traditional sense or not - I will have tried something new and that's going to be enough for me this year.

I'll also accept my past failures, transgressions and mistakes.  I'm not perfect and I'm worried that if I don't finally accept all of my failings, I'll keep repeating them.  I need to let the past go and move on. I have so many things and people to be grateful for.

We ended this week at our secret beach in Jenner.  The kids had so much fun running, jumping, whipping seaweed through the air and being silly with one another.  I had a million other things to get done at home, but I'm so glad I stopped and accepted the opportunity to get out into the world and enjoy these three little souls.

Happy New Year, friends.

Last Day of Summer Vacation

Dear Grady,

Yesterday was the last day of summer vacation and boy did we have a fun-filled one this year.  As I looked ahead to the summer months, I made sure to sprinkle in some camps, some adventures and some down time for you and for us as a family.

We made time for a trip to Southern California to see your grandfather, as well as our maiden voyage to Legoland with our best friends, the Christiansens.

We made time for games, library visits, making art and reading when we could grab the chance.  You installed the coolest origami yoda installation in our  kitchen and I absolutely love it.

You enjoyed summer academy at your elementary school and shared your newfound knowledge of the capybara, the world's largest rodent.  You studied anatomy and drew animals that you found interesting.

You attended CYO camp in Occidental, went to the farmers' market with me and picked veggies at Bloomfield Farms.

We spent a week in Bodega Bay where you fine-tuned your golf game, discovered the joys of the tennis rally and swam until your lips turned blue in the community pool.

You renewed friendships and said goodbye to Seth & Heather, too.

An impromptu trip to Alaska landed in our laps courtesy of Stephanie, so we figured it out and jumped on a plane the first week of August and headed north, via 1st class (a first for us!).  You thoroughly enjoyed going to the front of each line and getting your own personal device to watch movies on, as well as really cool headphones.

Alaska was amazing.  You and the girls soaked it all up and were the best kids on the planet to vacation with.  You attended a marine mammal camp and learned so very much in such a short amount of time.

The weeks passed all too quickly and we now have to get you ready for 5th grade.  I can hardly believe it, but I think I say that every year.

The naked ladies are blooming and that means summer vacation has officially come to an end.  We spent the last day as a family riding bikes along the Willow Creek Trail (you and your father) and I walked...and got lost.  Shocker, right?

You surprised me with your new Shaun White skinny, skinny jeans in turquoise and sported this snowboarder's brand head-to-toe on your first day of school.

We had so many wonderful times this summer and I loved watching you try new things, gain confidence, branch out, be fearless and even win an ice cream eating contest!  Yes, you had fun this summer.

I look forward to this new school year and what you will teach me about you.

With all my love,

Mom

Alaska :: Days 5 - 10

There is a freedom that comes with sending your child off to camp and a small amount of dread, too.  This week found me conflicted with my new found leisure time, as I was in a new state with oodles of time to kill.  I read, edited photos, wrote a little bit, spent hours at the museum, met friends and dined out.  That was all on Day One of G being at camp.  Yes, it would be a long week.

Anchorage Museum

Downtown Anchorage Hot Spots with Stephanie

Alaska has been heart-achingly beautiful.  I totally get why they call this state The Last Frontier, as it's so pristine and rugged.

The Kenai River + alone time

Thursday found us packing up the rental apartment (Stephanie's home for the last five weeks) and hitting the road down to Homer.  I picked Steph up at work, jumped on Highway One South and weaved my way through craggy mountains, hypnotic blue skies and aquamarine rivers.

Homer is a classic, hard-working fishing village and we were staying in the thick of it - just across from The Fish Factory and a major offloading dock on The Homer Spit.  If we had changed for dinner, we would have been overdressed, so we opted for our casual, well-worn road trip outfits and hit the town.

Land's End for dinner.  The Salty Dawg Saloon for adult libations, jukebox selections and lessons on the art of playing pool.  We drank Duck Farts (yes, Duck Farts), discovered the dangers of Jameson + Ginger ale and stayed out way past our curfew.  When in Rome, right?

Friday found us tooling around town to a few spots the locals recommended - La Baleine Cafe for the most amazing breakfast & bottomless coffee; The Alaska Islands & Ocean Visitor Center, Fringe Couture & Consignment Shop; and the Two Sisters Bakery for a late afternoon bite and coffee pick-me-up.  Each local haunt better than the last.

Harbor porpoise articulation + friends and naturalists/counselors

We picked the kids up from the Wynn Nature Center and viewed their harbor porpoise articulation project, as well as heard shared stories of their week at Peterson Field Station on the Kachemak Bay.  It sounds like they learned so much and I felt my mama heart soar when I heard my kid identifying insects, local plant life and marine mammal species.  The one item they felt they needed at the end of all this was a pair of XTRATUF boots and so, well, we indulged them.  They chatted about being the only three kids in California with the coolest boots from Alaska.  I agree, kids, I agree.

We spent the night eating fish at a local eatery and getting filled in on all of the camp stories.  We walked The Spit and ushered them back to our rental, where they showered and fell happily and sleepily into bed.

Views over Kachemak Bay from a floatplane

Steph and the girls rose at an ungodly hour to go salmon fishing, while G and myself slept in and I surprised him with a late-morning float plane ride over Kachemak Bay.

Us in Homer!

We spotted moose, mountain goats, Trumpeter Swans, a sea otter colony and flew over glaciers and the bay where Grady and the girls spent their week at marine mammal camp.  What an incredible feeling to fly over such magnificent lands and seas.  I felt so small in the grand scheme of things.  Alaska has a way of doing that.

5 hours sandwiched between two girls from Homer to Anchorage...he really loved it

My instagram friend, Natalie, lives on Kodiak Island and I couldn't help but think about her this week and envy her remote lifestyle, as well as all of the history and beauty of this 49th state.  Another instagram friend, Maggie, likened Alaska to an ex-boyfriend - one she had to leave, but can't get off of her mind and thoughts wander to what might have been.  I get it.  I totally get it, Maggie.

Alaska, you are a heartbreaker.

Moose
Caribou Skeleton
Grizzly Bear
Beloved round hay bales

This trip gave me the time and space to think about my life and where I want it to go from here.  I'm approaching the eve of my 43rd year and this trip really punctuated my 42nd trip around the sun.

Thanks, Alaska.  I needed you more than I knew.

Happy Campers :: CYO & Bodega Bay

I've officially fallen into summer.  As soon as school gets out, I'm ambitious and still get up around 6:30 am and shuffle about the house doing my morning routine.  I make big plans, scribble to-do lists and sit down to write on my blog every single morning before the guys wake up.

And then life starts to get busy and I realize I want to be participating in it instead of documenting it and I'm okay with that, but that's why you see a string of posts and then...radio silence.  I'll catch you up on the last few weeks here in this gigantic summer-lovin' post.

Sheepy goes to camp
Growth chart on G's door jamb
Reunited Mother + Son 

G packed up for the overnight portion of CYO Camp.  I love that he brought this stuffed animal with him.  It may be the last year for this little sheep to travel and be seen.  G was really excited and just hollered "BYE, MOM!" and bounded down the steps towards his father, who was waiting in an idling car just outside our home.

And just like that, he's confident, independent and eager for an adventure.  It's what a parent hopes for and still I was a little emotional at how he just bolted out the door.  I busied myself during the day, we dined with friends that evening and when I woke up Friday morning...the house was still eerily quiet.  I couldn't wait to pick him up and hear all about his overnight fun.  I counted down the minutes until 4:15 pm.

When we arrived, he was utterly and thoroughly exhausted.  He barely spoke.  We quickly fed him pizza from the Union Hotel and shuttled him home for a nice, warm bath.  I washed his long, golden hair and he quietly told me about sleeping under the stars, how much fun he had swimming and what being a Waste Warrior entailed (eating all of your food, every day).

And, yes, another hand-carved redwood cross adorned his neck.  A gift from his amazing camp counselors.

Dr. Bob + G + Pineapple upside-down cake
Origami Dr. Bob

We helped celebrate Papa Bob's 72nd birthday.  G busted out this origami in his likeness and gifted it to him, along with a promise of a future lunch date.

Summer Fun

Summer has just been full of so many wonderful opportunities to learn.  And while reading has not been on the top of the boy's list this summer (remember last summer?  He read 110 books!), we have been playing new games, creating art, cooking and watching Arrested Development as a family (I know, I know, slightly inappropriate - but we love it!).

BHHA pool, golf + tennis camp 2013

Our dear friends let us use their home in Bodega Bay every July, so that Grady can attend the golf and tennis camps offered there.  We really settle in and I love being so close to the beach, old friends and within walking distance to the pool, bird sanctuary & Pacific Ocean.

Camp friends + fun

We got into a really good groove this year with golf camp first thing in the morning, a quick lunch together, tennis lessons and then we'd hang by the pool for an hour or two.  Every.  Single.  Day.

Pool time with dad + camp friends

We see the same kids almost every year and it's been fun to watch as they get older, more skilled at their sport and the ease at which they slip into play together.

Tennis Camp 10-12 year olds

Grady fell in love with tennis.  Every year he says it's his favorite part of camp.  He had the highest volley count at 108 and really wants to take more lessons.  

Arch Rock + Casa de Mahley

The week also afforded us time to quietly hang out as a family.  Bodega Bay is only seven miles away from Valley Ford, but we really try to sink into vacation during this week away from home.  

Happiest boy on the planet

As the week came to an end, the pull of home and obligations started to pile up.  I went for a 10 mile hike along the Sonoma Coast with a group of girlfriends.  Steve and Grady played tennis.  We had lunch in the clubhouse and said farewell to our Bodega Bay friends.

We slowly packed up, talked about all of the fun we had and drove the short jaunt home in silence.

We were ready to come home.

We were happy campers.