Months, Not Days

{1.0 micron pen on paper 2015}

{This series was inspired by my son's sixth grade english assignment 

of writing for six minutes, without edits or overthinking it.

I'll be posting daily quick writes for the month of March.}

I woke up in the middle of the night thinking about the way I have been describing my current break-up with alcohol.  Yesterday I hit the one-month milestone for not drinking.  I was using the new-to-me language of counting dry days and celebrating my first alcohol-free month milestone with some trepidation, coupled with feelings of shame.  Somehow my good intentions were starting to feel like deprivation and that, in turn, started to feel negative.

Instead, I decided that I want to focus on more mindful practices surrounding my drinking habits and what I'm choosing to do for myself that comes from a place of positivity, truth and clean living.  As of right now, I have no plans to return to imbibing full-bodied reds or artisan cocktails.  I reserve the right to change my mind, but as of right now I'm done.

I'm not jonesing for alcohol first thing in the morning or going off to sneak a drink.  That's not the relationship I've had with alcohol.  My relationship has been one of overindulgence once I start; the mantra that one more is more fun;  pouring drinks was my chosen profession for six years and I absolutely love to top off a glass of wine and use my martini shaker; and, an empty glass has symbolized the end of a good time (in my mind, at least).  I'm a social drinker and I've chosen to be social for years.  Eighteen to be exact.

So, I'm choosing to switch up the language I'm using and focus on the new positive aspects I'm adopting into my life.  Diet, exercise and a full night's sleep has definitely changed how I feel and I feel clearer and more free than I have in a long time.

Some may think this is evidence of denial or that I'm replacing a bad habit with another (although healthier) habit - but guess what?  I really don't care!  Isn't that fun?  For the first time in years, I really don't care what anyone else thinks about this topic.  If anything, I'm finding strength in believing in myself.  It's a journey, I know, but one I'm super excited to be on.

About half a dozen people have reached out through social media and emails to support me in this new phase of omitting alcohol from my life and to them I'd like to say a gigantic, heartfelt thank you.  Those two words don't seem like enough to let them know how much comfort I've taken from their stories, from their own struggles.  But it's all I've got to give right now.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Your words, stories and shared experiences have been like a salve this month and I'll be eternally grateful for your bravery in reaching out to me.

Thank you.  Thank you.  Thank you.

Today is a new day.

I've decided I'm not counting dry days any longer.  Maybe I'll tally up months, but not days.  The counting of days feels like a hard, punitive (albeit self-imposed) sentence and it's left me feeling deprived and restricted.

Today is for living.

Today is for forgiving - myself + others.

Today is for showing up and doing the work.

Today is my favorite day.

Conscious Relationships

{One year ago today :: March 3, 2014 :: Costa Rica}

{This series was inspired by my son's sixth grade english assignment 

of writing for six minutes, without edits or overthinking it.

I'll be posting daily quick writes for the month of March.}

We live in a small town (population 126).  The reason I'm sharing this with you is to give you a little background about our crummy internet service.  It has been unreliable and measured since we moved here over seven years ago.  Watching videos or looking at too many image-rich sites can time us out and use up all of our daily internet allowance.  Since my husband works from home and I'm addicted to interior design websites, this can be a problem at times.

This used to frustrate me to no end and over the years we have changed internet providers, tried different satellite services and accepted the fact that cable internet will never be available to us in our one-horse town.  We recently switched to Verizon's satellite internet service home plan and that's tacked on to our cell phone bill.  So far, so good.  

Blah, blah, blah.  My point is that a friend sent me this Youtube video featuring Rev. Deborah L. Johnson and asked me to watch it.  Since I live where I do, I needed to watch this somewhere other than my home; somewhere that actually seems like it's in the year 2015.  The video sat unwatched in my inbox for a few weeks, beckoning me to hurry up and seek out a fast internet connection and find out what all the fuss was about.

This video is about conscious relationships and it's a huge game-changer.  

Needless to say, once I finally sat down and clicked play, this video blew my freaking mind.

I paused it.

Took notes.

Shared it with a few friends.

And now I can't wait to watch it again.

If you watch it, let me know what you think.  Don't be in a hurry or have other things going on.  Just grab a cup of coffee or tea and really let her words sink in.  It's approximately 45 minutes long.

Powerful stuff.

I'm a Believer

{This series was inspired by my son's sixth grade english assignment 

of writing for six minutes, without edits or overthinking it.

I'll be posting daily quick writes for the month of March.}

Mornings are my new favorite.  The house is quiet.  The world seems still.  My thoughts are slowly forming and making a plan for the day.  The sun rising across the valley floor somehow always delights me.  Every morning it's a different sunrise and a beautiful reminder that today can be a different day, too.

I shared in my last post that I've put drinking on hold.  I'm trying to form new, healthier habits like drinking tea, juicing an obscene amount of vegetables and exercising.  I'm 27 days in and feeling really positive and energized by these conscious choices.

The byproduct of my actions has been a feeling of safety.  Meaning, I feel safe to feel and think all of the things that are going through my mind right now.  I'm not wanting to tune out or retreat with a drink at the end of the night, so that I don't have to concentrate on the hard stuff.

I also have the best of friends and feel really supported by those I've shared my struggles with.  I'm not attending AA meetings or anything like that.  I don't think it's to that level, but I do think that I am not mindful when I drink.  Not at all and so I need this break to contemplate my relationship with alcohol.

I woke up this morning and realized it's my half birthday.  I'm forty-four and a half years old today and it's about time I started believing in myself.  I'm not sure when that ability disappeared, but I'm here to reclaim it.

This song helped me start my Sunday and I hope you enjoy it, too.

Rituals :: Writing + Drinking

As February is winding down, I realize that I haven't come to this space to write much this month.  To be perfectly honest, I have a hard time sitting down and sharing what's on my mind.  Part of me feels like who would want to read that?  While the other part of me knows just how much I get out of reading the work of other bloggers/writers and gleaning advice or shared experiences from their generous words.

I've been reading a lot of books about the craft of writing (like this one, this one and this one) and figured out that most writers are a little gun shy when they share their words with the world.  Also, editors are key.  When I write, I worry so much about the punctuation and structure of my blog posts that they end up taking me hours to write.  I'm my worst critic and I'm also a little bit afraid to be judged by what I'm putting out there.

Last week, my son shared some of his best work (according to him) from his sixth grade english class.  His favorite writing exercise is called a Six Minute Quick Write.  You sit down, set the timer and write whatever you want, quickly and fluidly, until the six minutes is up.  He stressed that you can finish your last sentence, but don't edit while you're writing.  Just write.

I love this quick write concept.  Aren't sixth grade english teachers the best?  Here's what he had to say about it:

"I know that Quick Writes aren't graded, but I really like them because they are a time to say how you feel about a certain topic and clear your mind.  I think they are a really good way to start your morning." - Grady, age 11

Gosh, I love this kid.  And his teacher really inspires him.  

Well this inspired me in a big way.  Therefore, I'm going to jump right in and attempt daily quick writes on my blog starting on March 1st.  No editing, no struggling with formatting, no photo collages or time spent editing photos.  Just me, sitting at my desk first thing in the morning and typing for six minutes.  I'm not going to overthink it.  I'm just going to write whatever is on my mind and hit publish.  I'm looking forward to this new daily ritual and hope it stretches me when it comes to writing (and sharing) on this blog.

February in Sonoma County means that everything is coming into bloom.  The magnolia tree branches are heavy and dripping with pink blossoms, daffodils line the roadsides and wide-open fields are a sea of yellow mustard.  Buds are breaking in the vineyards and camellia flowers litter the walkway into my office.  Hardy calla lilies shoot up overnight in my flower beds and the hillsides are thick and limber with fluorescent green grasses.

I love January for its quiet approval to hibernate, but I love February for it's unabashed beauty and reminder that, well, we have a long year ahead of us and I, too, want to bloom this year.  I like to take this time to plan out family vacations, read as much as humanly possible, hunker down and binge-watch tv series with my husband during this second month of the year.

Redhill Trail || Sonoma Coast || Valentine's Day || 73 degrees

February has also held a new focus for me.  My health.  I'm working on instituting a consistent exercise regime into my weekly routine.  Early morning stretching and occasional meditation, Zumba classes and local hikes.  

I've chosen to abstain from alcohol indefinitely.  

Let me say that again, so that it can sink in.

I've chosen to abstain from alcohol indefinitely.  

And while writing about this feels a little weird, I also want to be honest with myself and anyone reading here about how hard this actually is.  I haven't gone this long without drinking since I was pregnant with my son 12 years ago.  I used to own a wine bar and drinking was part of my profession.  I've been reading a lot of this woman's blog posts about her wine-free journey and it's been a powerful source of inspiration.  

I'm an all or nothing type of gal and I have long searched for balance in the adult beverage department.  I feel like I've tried the all model  and need to try the nothing model on for size.  And let's face it, I'm not getting any younger.  I can't keep indulging in wine and cocktails at no cost.  I have several health issues I'm working on getting under control and the simple fact of the matter is that drinking is not helping.

I haven't been a mindful drinker since I started drinking.  All or nothing may be considered the same thing to some, but I've got to give it a try and find out.

I can do this.  

I am doing this.  

I'm on Day 20 of my self-imposed alcohol ban and I feel really, really good about it.  

The positive take-aways have been that I'm finally sleeping through the night for the first time in years.  I have considerably more patience for my kid, my husband and everyday frustrations.  I've been waking up early and starting my day with quiet reflection and writing down my intentions for the next 24 hours.  

Addiction runs in my family and I just need to hit the pause button long enough for me to ponder why it is I like to drink.  It's hard to put this out there, but I know I need to do it to make myself accountable for this overindulgent habit I've curated over the years.  Living in wine country has been good and bad for me.  It's time to take stock of how I socialize and what's most important to me.

And with these soul-baring words, I'm going to switch gears.  I've said a lot here and I'm feeling really anxious about my new journey.  Thanks for listening.

I wanted to thank you for your kind words on my recently published essay, The Window for Play, featured on Rachel Cedar's 28 Day of Play blogger series.  Click here to read.  That piece was hard to write, but I'm glad it resonated with others.  I felt hugged by the comments and encouraged to do more truth-telling with my writing.

My new daily rituals of writing, as well as abstaining from alcohol, feel a little scary.  But I'm going to push forward and try it on for size.  As my clean & sober brother recently shared with me - The only side effect of not drinking is that you will feel really good.  What's so scary about that?  

Right, brother.  So right.

And with that - I'm out.  

xoxo,

Tammi

Summer :: Day #7

Doesn't everyone make popsicles in thrifted Goldschläger shot glasses?
Oh, I thought they did.
There goes my Mother of the Year title.  Again.

Paris: Day Four (Bordeaux)

::  We took a wonderful 3 hour train ride to Bordeaux

 ::  David & Manuella made the reservations 

 ::  Hotel Majestic was located on a quiet street in the heart of Bordeaux

 ::  We ate a lovely lunch at Karl

::  I'm learning to save room for coffee & something sweet at the end of every meal.  Bordeaux is known for their world-famous canelles (pictured above with my cafe au lait).

 ::  We purchased a few bottles of Bordeaux to drink later

 ::  We oohed and ahhed over the rainbow of colors to choose from in the macaron department

 ::  We decided to go bowling.  Why?  Because nothing else was open on this rainy, Sunday afternoon.  What a silly & fun thing to do when in Bordeaux, right?

::  French onion soup.  The most delicious I have ever tasted.

Paris: Day Two

 :: Insane street candy vendors

 ::  Basquiat Exhibit in Paris

 ::  Love Locks on the bridge over the Seine ~ Lovers inscribe, lock & throw keys into the Seine River.  So very romantic.

 :: The Louvre Pyramid

 :: Landmarks in every direction

 :: The Paris Metro

 ::  Lunch near the Louvre

 :: The most beautiful chairs at the Grand Palais Gardens

 ::  My dream bike

 :: Colorful, artisan macarons at Angelina

 ::  The best hot chocolat in the world & a Mont Blanc pastry (a meringue base filed with whipped cream and sweet chestnut puree) at Angelina.  To. Die. For.

 ::  Shakespeare & Co. filled to the brim with book treasures

 ::  I sat here and perused books for over an hour

:: Dinner at Cafe Louis Philippe

 :: Steak w/ Herbed Butter, Potatoes & Steamed Zucchini & Tomatoes

 ::  Bottle of 2007 Burgundy because, hey, we're in France!

::  The ending to a beautiful day in the City of Lights

Paris: Day One

:: View from the plane as we land in Paris

 :: David x 2 at a street-side cafe in the 5th Arrissdonment

 :: Up for 24 hours straight & basking in the sunshine at Luxembourg Gardens in front of the Senate Building, Catherine de Medici's former palace.

:: Wine shop on St. Germain - Bottle of Burgundy

::  Eric Kayser Boulanger - Paris - Fresh Baguette & sweet treats

:: Charcuterie -  Thinly sliced salume

:: Laurent Dubois Fromgerie - Cheese heaven-on-earth

:: Our first night's dinner - Fantastique!

Unti = Summer Sipping

I received the most lovely delivery today from Sissy of Gourmet au Bay.  This is a sure-fire sign that Summer is almost here and rose Wednesdays will have to recommence with my gal pals.  Unti's rose is my absolute favorite and once it's gone...it's gone.

Summer: Day #60

I love reading Molly Wizenberg's blog, Orangette. When I went to her blog and saw that she was opening her new restaurant on August 12th, this was one of the recipes she was going to use for dessert. Firm, fresh peaches - coated in sugar and then slathered in dry white wine. I let them chill in the fridge for about four hours. I served them in wide coffee cups and poured the juice over the top of them. What a delightful Summer dessert. We ate and drank the dessert on our back deck, as we watched the sun set over the back hillside. A perfect end to a sweltering, Summer evening.