Sleepless in Valley Ford

{This series was inspired by my son's sixth grade english assignment 

of writing for six minutes, without edits or overthinking it.
I'll be posting daily quick writes for the month of March.}

Sleep has eluded me, once again, and I wake up groggy and congested.  I feel like I have a hangover, but I know that isn't possible this morning.  Since my breakup with alcohol, I've been sleeping through the night and rise early feeling refreshed and ready to take on the day.  I'm intoxicated in a different way these days - by my newfound strength, the beauty of the natural world and watching my son navigate the end of his 11th year.

I'm not sure how or why I fell down the rabbit hole of insomnia last night, but I did.  The middle of the night used to be the time rewind the day and then beat myself up about all the things I did wrong or mourn the family (the family I came from) that once was.

Nighttime fostered a loneliness in me and I think that's why I overindulged with wine and spirits.  The void-filling seemed like a necessary task to get to the other side of the darkness, the sadness.  I'm sure on the outside people might think what does she have to be sad about?, but it's there.  Always.  I have a deep well of memories that haunt me when it's quiet and I'm left with too much time to think about how my life slowly veered off course once my parents got divorced.

I was 23 when my parents split up and it completely rocked my world.  When I looked back at my formative years, I desperately longed for the family that was.  What better way to capture that family than to hurry up and try to recreate one of my own, right?  Wrong.

Well, I immediately went out and tried to do just that.  I was engaged after just three months of knowing someone and married three months after that.  Played house for four years, devoted myself to church and emulating Martha Stewart.  I didn't drink at all during this time in my life.  I was divorced four years later.

After my divorce, letting loose and being the life of the party became my way of thinking I was all grown up and in charge of my life.

Ironically, my parents never had alcohol in our home and I only saw them drink once or twice while growing up, so I'm not sure where I got this ridiculous idea.

I guess I'll have this idea to ponder in the middle of the night the next time I'm sleepless in Valley Ford.