Show Your Work!

I'm reading Show Your Work! by Austin Kleon and he makes a lot of really compelling arguments and useful tips about sharing your creativity.  I read this line this morning:

When you put your work out into the world, you have to be ready for the good, the bad, and the ugly.  The more people come across your work, the more criticism you'll face.

~ Austin Kleon

Yesterday, I decided to step out of my comfort zone and share a very personal poem here on my blog.  I was immediately stung by its reception from a few extended family members.  Ultimately, I changed one of the lines in the poem to spare some hurt feelings - although I'm sure it's a little too late for that.

The sting was soothed by multiple supportive, heartfelt and painful phone calls with my mother, brother and sister.  After hearing of its rocky reception, I'm not sure sharing my work was the right call, at least not in the medium that I decided to share it with the masses...on Facebook.  I should have taken baby steps and perhaps only shared with a small group of writers I met over a month ago at my writing workshop.  I don't know, self-doubt always seems to creep in when I'm about to share my art or words and I think that's true for most people who create.  I've been writing in this space for eight years, most of which have been on the down-low.  Finding the confidence to share has been hard, made harder by yesterday's hoopla.

I didn't sleep much last night and after a good long talk with my mother this morning, I decided that sharing my poem on Facebook was probably not the best idea.  I've had a love-hate relationship with Facebook for a few years now and recently read this poignant essay by a new friend about her recent breakup with the social media behemoth.  I'm absolutely thinking hard about this decision, too.

Writing this poem was a necessary part of my journey to reconcile my parents'  divorce and forgive the past.  It sprang from me as an homage to my mother and father.  A testament to the beautiful, stable childhood they created for me and my siblings.  These were fantastic, sensory-inducing memories of my life under their care.  My memories.  My childhood.  Memories of the stories I'd been told about where they came from.  I am proud of my family.  I love my parents for blazing a new trail for our family unit and their pluck for sticking it out until we were almost grown.

Talking with my brother and sister yesterday was cathartic.  I wasn't crazy, they remembered all of things I wrote about and more.  My siblings shared in my memories and we laughed, cried and I felt their love come through the phone lines, all the way from Oregon and New York, and directly into my heart.

The important lesson I learned yesterday :: Words Are Powerful.

I'm going to keep sharing.  That's in my DNA, but I'm a little gun-shy on the writing front this week.  I'm encouraged by other authors, bloggers, instagrammers, my husband and two very special cousins that reached out and said kind, constructive words to me yesterday.  Thank you.

Today I'm going to share what art I've been making lately.  That feels safer and, I'm hoping, less controversial.  Here goes…

Watercolor Orbs

Block Printing Workshop with Jen Hewett :: My version of Turkish Poppies

MAKE :: workspace at The San Francisco Makeshift Society

Jen Hewett's beautiful carved stamps + printed textiles

Experimenting with the color red + new "womb + baby" carving 

Drawing Oompa Loompa Flowers with my goddaughters 

Original watercolors + Annie Flavin's poem God's Voice

Hot pink on grey card stock

Orange on grey card stock

Grady's swirly flower teacher thank you notes :: mass production

colors + papers

testing colors + textures

My Full Plate Exhibit Entry :: Full Circle 

I feel nervous to click "publish" on this post, but also feel like I have to in order to move on.  I've written and re-written this about two dozen times.  I need to stop editing myself.  I don't want to be afraid to write or share my art.  I don't want to stay stuck in the past.  I want to move forward and the only way I know how to is to dig deeper, try new things and share it with the world.  And that's exactly what I'm going to do so that I can continue to stay on course and finish my journey towards coming full circle with my life.

Click.

Where I'm From :: Poem

Where I’m From

by Tammi Salas

I am from the sound of an early morning alarm clock waking my father for work

I am from sugar cinnamon toast for breakfast and chocolate milk mustaches

I am from the astringent odor of Aqua-net hairspray keeping my tight pony tail firmly in place

I am from striped terrycloth shorts and matching tank tops

I am from a wood paneled living room, giant canopied bed and kidney-shaped pool

I am from the most well vacuumed house in the neighborhood

I am from tuna casserole and warm Spam sandwiches with tangy yellow mustard for dinner

I am from 1970’s Southern California suburbia

I am from a hardworking, blue collar man who, at age 12, was made an orphan

I am from a skinny, teenage girl who ran away from home to start anew

I am from secrets and whispers from behind closed doors at night

I am from a surprise to both of them

I am from hopscotch-covered asphalt cul-de-sacs and my mom’s piercing whistle calling us home for dinner

I am from Blue Bird troupes, drill teams and cheerleading squads  

I am from a short line of siblings that make me the eldest

I am from good grades and trips to the Little Red Schoolhouse for back-to-school supplies

I am from unstructured playtime, candy necklaces and record players

I am from bedroom walls that secured my most prized possessions - my albums, my typewriter, my Laura Ingalls-Wilder books and my writing desk with a secret compartment

I am from art-lined closets that housed my drawings, relegated there because they “don’t go” with anything else in the house

I am from Friday nights eating homemade popcorn and watching The Love Boat

I am from Saturday morning big breakfast rituals and manic “girls only” housecleaning chores 

I am from Sunday night baths and the sound of a stopwatch ticking indicating 60 Minutes was about to start

I am from a family that created itself from nothing

I am from a family that played house for over two decades

I am from a family that imploded just as I was navigating adulthood

I am from all of this and it serves me

I am from all of this and it haunts me

I am from nostalgia

I am from young love

I am from George & Donna Beth.

Exhale by Annie Flavin :: Take Two

I decided to re-do the artwork for Exhale.  I wasn't comfortable with my last design because it looked too much like a carving that artist, Jen Hewett, shared on her blog a few weeks ago.  I wanted to make my own, original artwork for Annie's beautiful words.

I used grey card stock and white acrylic screen printer's ink.

I typed this up on an IBM Wheelwriter 5 typewriter.

I centered the poem and tweaked the spacing a little bit.

I used a large Speedball Speedy Cut carving block.

I carved the large oblong circle to represent the place from which he grew.

I carved the smaller, inset circle to represent him.

Scanning artwork really doesn't show the beautiful impression the ink and the typewriter make on this card stock.  Take my word for it, the real hold-in-you-hand-version is better.

To view more of Annie's work, please visit her website or "Like" her page on Facebook.

Exhale by Annie Flavin

Annie's poems have been feeding my need to make art lately and given me the (ahem) excuse to do so.  I've been playing around with block carving, my typewriters, rummaging through my stash of papers and experimenting with new tools.

Last Friday night, while my guys were knee-deep into a marathon game of Monopoly, I carved the three circles on a large Speedball soft carving block.  It was time-consuming and meditative.  The above design was inspired by the lovely artist, Jen Hewett.  I used bright yellow fabric paint (normally used for screen printing) because I just loved how it quietly popped from behind her words once pressed on the white card stock.  

The circles aren't perfect and that's exactly what I like about it.  I'm really embracing the imperfectly perfect concept lately and finding joy in playing at my kitchen table with my supplies spread out, surrounding and surprising me with what they can do.  This Virgo is letting go of perfection a little bit at a time and holy hell! - it feels good.

The large circle represents Annie and her boy and the place from which he grew.  The second and third smaller circles represent his growing up and finding his own love.  The smaller circle could be Annie tucking her knees tightly into his spot or it could be just him on his own looking for true love.  I'll let the reader interpret as they wish.

Annie has a new website for her beautiful words here.

Carving Out the Life I Want

Creatively, I feel super fueled right now.  Giving myself permission to push things aside and make a mess at my kitchen table has been really freeing.  It's interesting for me to witness this shift at all because I'm usually so busy with regular life.  I might have missed this transformation, except I didn't.  I'm acutely aware of what's going on right now and I love it.  I chose it.  I'm making it happen.

I had a conversation with a friend a few weeks ago and when I asked how she was she replied rather casually, "You know, busy, as usual."  I found myself spouting out this nondescript answer a few days later and as the words were spilling out of my mouth I thought lame.  You are lame.  And, you are not that busy.  It was my automatic reply and I hated the sound of it.

First of all, I don't know a woman who isn't busy.  Seriously, all of the women I know are hard workers in the home and at their professions.  Juggling social obligations, charity work and family needs.  I came across the above graphic on Pinterest and decided to use it as my screensaver, so that it could serve as a daily reminder to stop saying the automatic I'm so busy and to set about clearing my schedule instead of adding more obligations to it.

Original art by the talented, Angela Miller
Mail from a new friend + my first paycheck for my writing from Mamalode Magazine

It feels like I'm flexing a new muscle and, to tell you the truth, it's not all that comfortable.  I'm not sure when I lost the ability to filter social invitations or community volunteer requests.  I think I'm always flattered by a request and really do like to bond over a meal or a good cause.  After years of doing this, I'm just toast.  Something had to give in this equation.  It was time.

Giving myself permission to attend a writer's workshop last month was the most generous thing I have done for myself in a long, long time.  Those stretch of days, surrounded by other creative souls, helped me to see that my life can be reinvented and enjoyed in a manner I have always craved, but just didn't have the guts to allow for me or my family. 

Design inspired by artist, Jen Hewett

I'm making art almost every morning and reading blogs and articles from people I admire, artists I want to learn from.  My day starts out beautiful and quiet and then the rest of the day (usually) follows suit.  It's absolutely intentional and seeing my life change its normal rhythm is pretty cool.

I'm showing up for my life and carving away the pieces that are stagnant and tired.  It's no wonder I have taken a shine to block carving lately.  It's a great metaphor for my life right this very moment.  I'm creating it, shaving off what's not necessary and seeing the beauty and simplicity in what remains.  If I like it, I can duplicate over and over again.

Taking control of our social calendar and only accepting those invitations that fit in with our schedule week-by-week feels good.  Releasing the feelings of trying to cram it all in is a tinge uncomfortable, but I'm quickly getting over it.  It's hard for me to say no to fun invitations, but I feel lighter and more free than I have in years.

Photo credit here

It's okay to say no.

It's okay to not be busy.

It's okay to not give excuses.

It's okay to say I can't go because I don't want to.

It's really okay.

Home :: Ordinary AND Beautiful

Yesterday was one of those ordinary, uneventful days around here.  You know, the kind where you go to work, run errands, thrift (doesn't everybody thrift when they head into into town?), come home, throw a few loads of laundry in, think about what to make for dinner and putter around the house. Yeah, well, it was one of those days and it was really beautiful.

There was this feeling in the air that I can't quite put my finger on.  The windows were all thrown wide open earlier in the day due to the forecasted high temperatures.  The rooms were tidy and calm.

I jumped online and finished booking our flights to Alaska.  I've been working on shifting travel arrangements around all week and it felt so good to push "purchase" and solidify our family vacation plans for August.  I took Grady last year and wrote about it here and here.  This year, we're going as a family and dropping off our boy at the same week long marine mammal science camp in Homer.  We are all pretty happy about making this happen.

It was a truly exceptional mail day today when I popped by the post office.  I received my limited edition Ghost Mountain print by the talented artist, Lisa Congdon.  Her blog is aptly called Today is Going to be Awesome.  I love everything she does and will be taking a professional illustration class from her at the Makeshift Society next month.  Check her out.

Thrift + Consignment Finds :: Stripes are taking over my wardrobe

Nothing was on our social calendar for the rest of the afternoon (or evening) and that was a welcome, intentional change.  I threw on a cute new slinky dress recently purchased from a local consignment store and Grady asked me if we were having company over tonight for dinner.  We most definitely were not having people over.  I guess his line of questioning means I need to dress up more often.  It felt good getting out of my standard winter garb of leggings, tank top and ratty cardigan.  The season is definitely shifting and it felt like I could actually feel it happening in real time tonight.

Salmon season opened up a few weeks ago and so I decided to drive the curvy seven mile stretch of highway to Bodega Bay to pick up salmon for dinner.  The thermostat in the kitchen read 80 degrees and it was definitely too hot to cook inside tonight.  Steve was still working in his office and Grady was creating some kind of monster world in his art studio.  I jumped in the car, rolled down the windows and headed towards the coast.

Perfecting a new summer cocktail has been on my to-do list (yes, really) and I set about mixing up two Negronis for myself and the husband.  I nailed it on the first try and used the last of the blood oranges that I harvested from the orchard that surrounds the office where I work part-time in town.  They were refreshing and a nice change from the usual wine with dinner.

The tall weeds in our fields are reaching for the sky and most are taller than I am.  The late afternoon light setting over the hills has been a photographer's dream.  (Note to self - get out there tomorrow night and photograph your family!)

We ended the day by sitting around the living room, each of us with a book and sporadically checking our phones or jumping on the computer to look something up.  I watched a few episodes of 30 Rock and decided to hit the hay.

I shut a few of the windows and tidied up the kitchen table, wiped the counters down and went in to check on Grady and kiss him goodnight.  His room felt still and warm.  I lowered his blinds and left his window cracked open to let the cool evening air in.

Today was ordinary and absolutely beautiful.  

I climbed into bed and read a few blog posts from writers that I've recently met and smiled at our new connectedness.  I'm noticing how I'm consciously surrounding myself with all of the things that I love lately.  Good food and drink, my family, art, books, friends and nature.  I especially like when all of those things come together under one roof.  Our home.

Tonight our home felt like it hugged us and this little post is my hug back.

weekending :: mother's day

Artwork circa 1976

Mother's Day always feels a little loaded to me.  I know I have a lot of quiet expectations for the day and sometimes I wrestle with those feelings.

My husband's mom died when he was six years old.  He didn't get the chance to go to her funeral.  Shortly thereafter, he had a very stoic, unaffectionate step-mother that raised him for all of those in between years until he went to college (and then his parents divorced).  I always kind of expect him to show Grady how to celebrate me on Mother's Day and you know what?  He doesn't really have those tools in his tool box.

Don't get me wrong, he does the best he knows how to do - but not having a mom who dotes on you or showers you with love and affection can really tweak the way you love people.

Grady growing like a weed among our weeds

With the help and inspiration of Mamalode, I decided to throw a little Mother's Day Eve party with a handful of my friends who are also mothers.  If you're reading this and you know me, well, you know I love the eve of just about anything - birthdays, xmas, Thanksgiving, Arbor Day.   It was completely low key.  Everyone brought appetizers and a bottle of wine.  Husbands dropped their wives off and picked them up when it was all said and done.

We sipped on a lot of sparkling wine, told funny stories, talked about schools, cursed a fair amount and laughed really hard.  I don't get to see these moms very often, but it felt so good to come together and share our journey of motherhood.  I'm absolutely going to do this again next year.

My husband and son usually cook and clean up on mother's day.  This year was no exception.  I woke up early and grabbed my pillow, blanket and book and sat outside watching the sunrise until both of my guys woke up.

My silly models posed for me while I figured out my Polaroid Land Camera settings
Steve's hair is epic in these photos

Steve taught Grady how to make me coffee and fixed breakfast while I doodled and painted at the kitchen table in my art journal.

Grady retreated to his art studio for most of the day, surfacing only to make himself a PB&J and to grab more books and supplies from his bedroom.

My husband decided to give me the best present.  Wait for it . . . we purged several of our kitchen cabinets and loaded up my car with donations for the thrift store.  I know, I know - romantic, right?  He also cleaned up his office and tidied up the garage.  Usually, he's working for most of the day on Mother's Day, but today he was available and present and that was the best gift.  All of us together working on the house and/or our projects.

Blurry Polaroid Landcamera photo using black/white film
Mother's Day 2014

I also realized that asking for what I want on Mother's Day is okay.  Often times I just suppress it and hope my guys read my mind.  This year, I asked for the house to myself the evening before Mother's Day to celebrate with my friends.  I asked Grady to make me a card.  I asked for us to do a project together (and we did).  So, even though my husband's emotional Mother's Day toolbox was rusty, he totally came through and showed my son how to quietly celebrate me.

And nothing makes a Virgo mom happier than a reorganized kitchen and a homemade card.

Nothing.

Lines on the Horizon :: de Young Museum

My interpretation of (figure inside fish)

There is a delightful exhibit at the de Young Museum right now called Lines on the Horizon :: Native American Art from The Weisel Family Collection.  As soon as I walked into the space I was smitten with all of the clean lines on the Navajo blankets hanging on the walls and drawn immediately to the display case full of ceramics.

Bowl (figure inside fish), ca. 1010-1130
Mimbres
Earthenware with pigment

The Mimbres tribe populated the semiarid river valleys in what is now southwestern New Mexico.  The distinctive Mimbres style was developed by a group of artists who captured their distinct worldview in precisely rendered black lines on white backgrounds inside hemispheric vessels.  Painted with yucca-fiber brushes, the confident, elegant images range from geometric motifs to legible representations of human figures and animals.  

Mimbres designs suggest a complex relationship between the supposedly abstract line and possible representations of the natural world.

~ Lines on the Horizon by Matthew H. Robb and Jill D'Alessandro

Isabella and the Fish

I absolutely loved all of the clean lines and fun imagery in this exhibit.  I was floored most of it was approximately 1,000 years old.  It appeared so modern and the lines were impeccable, especially considering the fact that most renderings appeared flat, but were actually done on hemispheric surfaces.  Absolutely gorgeous.

I doodled a bit with Grady this morning and we each came up with our own interpretations based on one of my favorite pieces (figure inside fish).  His god sister is not faring very well in his rendering (above).

I see some art retaliation from Isabella in the near future.

At least I hope that's what happens.

#dayinthelifeofmamalode

I had the honor and fun task of taking over the Mamalode Instagram feed for their #dayinthelifeofmamalode series.  It was a really fun thing to do, but my assigned day was following author Claire Bidwell Smith's day and, well, that was a wee bit daunting.  I wasn't sure how I wanted to share my world and, ultimately, decided to give a mini house tour coupled with truthful words about how we moved here and my initial struggle with motherhood.  Here's how it went:

I'm Tammi Salas and this is my home in the hills of Valley Ford. I'm starting my #dayinthelifeofmamalode series with this photo because we made the move to West Sonoma County shortly following 9/11. We wanted to live in a small town (ours is population 126!) and on our honeymoon in Big Sur decided to sell our home, quit our jobs in Silicon Valley, buy a wine bar in Bodega Bay and start a new life. We immersed ourselves in the community and found out (surprise!) that we were going to have a baby boy. Try selling your house, quitting your jobs, relocating, working together with your spouse for the first time AND finding out your pregnant in the first year of marriage. Let the fun begin by @tammisalas for @mamalode.

I have foggy memories of my childhood and our morning routines growing up. As a parent, I have found great joy in being the first one up, waking my sleepy-eyed 11 year old boy and making sure he eats a good breakfast. I've been leaving notes in his lunch box for years - favorite quotes, poems, reminders. It's my way of saying I love you and putting a little bit of beauty in with his PB&J. By @tammisalas for @mamalode#dayinthelifeofmamalode.

I've decided to share my home, family, my love of books + art with you today. All of which bring me great joy and fuel my life. Our living room overlooks the valley floor and we can see the cars heading north and south on Highway One from where we sit. In the wintertime, I receive calls from locals asking "Is the road flooded in Valley Ford?" I love these phone calls and have, thus, earned my nickname as Mrs. Kravitz, the all-knowing neighbor from the 1970's television series Bewitched. I wear this moniker proudly and love my home + community. By @tammisalas for@mamalode #dayinthelifeofmamalode

Motherhood didn't come easy to me and those first few years were brutal. Colic, sleep deprivation, postpartum depression and lack of family nearby was disorienting and soul crushing. In between the hard times, I'm sure we had a lot of good times, but it's hard for me to remember. I pulled away from my husband and child during that time and chose to spend most of my days (and nights) with my customers and new friends. I drank too much, missed out on a lot and almost lost it all. It's my most shameful period to date, but my husband helped pull me back into our little family and to him I will be forever grateful. By @tammisalas for@mamalode #dayinthelifeofmamalode

So we sold our wine bar + retail shop just weeks before our son started kindergarten. I became a stay at home mom, joined the PTA, read blogs about mothering and interior design. I started thrifting, cancelled our cable tv and acquired our first flock of chickens. I also found an incredible therapist, religiously visited the library and immersed myself in the stereotypical housewife role of the 1960's and happily did the grocery shopping, cooking and laundry. I began seeing the beauty in these tasks and, in turn, finally started to see real beauty in my life. By @tammisalas for @mamalode #dayinthelifeofmamalode

The fun thing about having a kid is that you get this rare opportunity to experience childhood again. Things you totally forgot about come flooding back as your child starts to navigate this world. For me, it was happily falling down the rabbit hole of children's literature and the rediscovery of my love of art. We converted our former well house into an art studio for G. He listens to books on tape, folds origami, plays with his Legos and paints when the mood strikes him. This little studio also houses my over abundant art & craft supplies, deluxe art printer + the walls are lined with G's original works. This is his happy place and mine, too. By @tammisalas for @mamalode #dayinthelifeofmamalode

Headed to the final PTA meeting of the school year. Can I get a hell yeah? By @tammisalas for @mamalode #dayinthelifeofmamalode

This kitchen is the heart of our home and where I spend most of my time. My husband built those display shelves a few years back and that MCM credenza has valuable storage. I usually do my doodling and art projects on this sturdy, worn table. G really wanted to be in this picture and he's fake reading one of his favorite books for you, Smile by Raina Telgemeier.@tammisalas for @mamalode #dayinthelifeofmamalode

A makeshift dinner plan is in the works. Egg burritos + sliced watermelon is about all I have to work with. My husband is at a town meeting and we have only briefly talked today. G is playing on his iPad after earning same by practicing guitar and writing thank you notes earlier in the day. I'm tired, uninspired and ready for an end of the day adult beverage. It was hard sharing here today, but y'all made it easier with your kind comments. I loved sharing glimpses of my home and words about my life with you. By @tammisalas for @mamalode #dayinthelifeofmamalode

Last post for the day/night. This is us. Married for 13 years. Grady just turned 11. I know sometimes it appears as if I only share the beautiful parts of my life via social media. I want to say that when I do that it is not to show off or pretend I'm Martha Stewart (although I wouldn't mind that reference). Quite simply, sharing bits of my day helps me see the beauty in my life. Pictures of the books I'm reading, the art I'm making, the eggs I'm buying from my local farmer, my son's beautiful face, my home - it's all a gentle reminder for me to appreciate what I have. It may seem silly to some, but this little forum has helped ground me into my role of motherhood and I'm not ashamed to say how lucky I am to use it. Good night, Instagram friends by @tammisalas for @mamalode #dayinthelifeofmamalode.