my mind is packed

{This series was inspired by my son's sixth grade english assignment

 of writing for six minutes, without edits or overthinking it.  

I'll be posting daily quick writes for the month of March.}

These six-minute quick writes are supposed to be just that.  Quick.  Only six minutes out of my day and somehow I couldn't find the time to do this today.

Starting the day off by waking up late didn't help, but I tried to salvage this mishap with making a healthy juice for all of us and joining my girlfriends for a barre exercise class in Santa Rosa, 30 minutes northwest of my home, starting at 9:15 a.m.

The camaraderie of those ladies helped jolt me from my morning funk and I easily fell into the sadist exercise regime also known as barre class.

The rest of the day was filled with work, doctor's appointments, grocery shopping, a makeshift dinner, homework help and packing for my impending Big Sur trip.  Just normal, everyday life items to tick off my list today.  I felt productive.  I felt a wee bit rushed.  I felt anxious about leaving my family for four days.

After tucking my son in bed and kissing him goodnight, I settled into the couch with my husband to watch a movie.

I felt nervous about leaving.

I felt nervous about meeting up with my best friend.

I felt nervous about not drinking this weekend.

I felt all of it.

All. Of. It.

I went to bed making small talk with myself about my strength, my impending journey.  My newfound ability to do small things for myself that will help me heal and make better choices for my mind, body and family.

My bags are packed and, now, so is my mind

Privacy

Sitting in bed last night, I started thinking about why I haven't been writing in my One Line a Day Journal since the middle of summer.  It feels like I went on a quiet strike and subconsciously wanted to try and stop the marching on of time.  The jotting down of little quotes, soccer game scores, animal deaths on our street, and weather observations came to a screeching halt around the time we went to Alaska in August.  I've religiously kept this daily journal for over the past four years.  It is one of my most prized possessions and now I want nothing to do with it.  It's irrational to think that by ceasing to record our daily happenings it will somehow slow down time here in our household.  I know this and yet I can't bring myself to write in this journal any longer.  It makes me too nostalgic and sad for my son's younger years.

G's 11th birthday back in April 2014

I also noticed that I didn't do a birthday post for Grady's 11th birthday.  Or for my 44th birthday.  Both milestones I've happily recorded in the past.

So much has happened to me since my 43rd birthday post a little over a year ago.  That post was edited a wee bit and turned into an essay that appeared on Mamalode.com entitled Snap.  I started writing again and made this little blog public.  I signed up for Write Doe Bay, a writing/creative retreat, and attended same in April.  I've made dozens of new friends (a big surprise at my age).  I've been drawing every single day since January 1st of this year and stretched myself in so many new and invigorating ways.  So why wasn't I coming here to write all about it?

Two months ago, Grady started middle school and I recently made a vow not to write about him here on the blog, but I'm having a hard time.  He turned 11-1/2 years old yesterday (see, I'm already breaking my vow).  We marked the occasion by measuring his height on his door jamb (4' 9" to be exact).  A bi-yearly ritual that tracks his growth and stretches my heart during the small morning ceremony.  He grew an inch over the last six months.  He's also grown in so many other ways that cannot be ticked off with a big fat black Sharpie.  He's evolving and transforming into a young man right before my very eyes and, to be quite honest, it's a little hard to take.

Blogging about my days should naturally include my son, right?  It's hard to cut him out of my process, as he fuels me in so many ways creatively and as a human being.  I want to walk the walk in terms of putting myself out there, following through with an idea, taking chances with my art and life.  I want to find the beauty in every day and share ideas, images and feelings with others.  I want to be kinder, softer, more open to the world.  I want this for my son, too, and I want him to see me doing it in real time.

An old friend recently wrote to me and asked if my husband had died or if we divorced because she didn't see a mention of him in my recent blog posts.  This made me pause and think about why that is.  My husband is a private, introspective person.  He doesn't need bells and whistles on anything.  He isn't into social media and he's mildly confused by all of the sharing people (um, I mean, his wife) do on Facebook and other social media outlets.  He's pensive, thoughtful, intelligent.  So why do I give him the privacy he deserves, but yet I take Grady's privacy for granted?  Why is my life only worth sharing if I'm doing so through my lens as a mother?  I don't have answers for all of these questions, but I'm searching for them.

There's also the hypocrisy factor at play here.  I am adamant that my son can't be on social media, yet I share away on Instagram like it's feeding my soul.  Sure, I ask my son if it's okay to post a picture of him on there, but will he feel differently next month about it?  Next year?  Why do I need to share him via this outlet?  If I'm so sure that he can't handle the social media platforms right now, why am I drawn to it and inserting him at my own whim?  Shouldn't I be protecting him from all of this?  From what, exactly?  Again, no clear answers.

Will I have to abandon this space and start anew?  A move like that seems disingenuous to me and I'm working on having more real, authentic conversations and moments in my life, not less.   Would I act as though I have no family, when they give so much meaning to my existence?  These have been hard questions.  Lots of pondering and reflection, which is good stuff, too.

It's complicated, right?   Sharing images and pictures of my little boy seemed like a loving thing to do  when I started writing in this space and a way to honor and capture our lives as they were unfolding.  But now?  Now I'm not so sure.  Now it feels like I'm exploiting his privacy and over-sharing.  His peers could pop on over to this site and see things that might embarrass him at school.  As the days progress, he's getting older and pretty soon this will all matter to him in a way that it doesn't right now.

Having an only child is the choice we made for our family.  What started out as a happy surprise, has turned out to be my life's greatest gift.  I'm not being melodramatic here.  I mean it.  Being a mother is my nirvana and has opened up the way I see the world and interact with it.  Seeing how we're teaching him right from wrong gives me great pleasure and responsibility.  Exposing him to new authors, artists and music is fun.  Hearing his views on life and the natural world fills me up in a way I never would have known had we not had him.  Watching him try new sports or a math equation brings back a sense of wonder about the world that I kind of forgot about.

But isn't this his story to tell?  I'm not sure how to straddle both worlds and do it gracefully.  I'm torn between telling my story and honoring his.

It's no wonder I've noticed a lot of bloggers writing less and less as their children get older.  An imaginary line seems to have been drawn as the kids approach middle school and I didn't get it before, when my son was only a single digit in age.  I'm starting to get it now.

Documenting and list-making are my thing.  They give structure to my days and I get to act like an historian for our family.  I don't want to give that up.  After perusing my blog, I think I've landed on what I like about it and how I can morph the practice of writing into a small exercise in cataloging our lives in a way that respects the privacy of the two guys I live with.

What I've come up with is a little kick-start to my writing routine to help phase me out of writing about my kid in an overly sentimental and way-too-much-information kind of way.  I get a lot of satisfaction out of reading blogs written by women I respect and glimpsing their domestic lives.  I love recipe-sharing, simple DIY's, and lifestyle stories.

Therefore, I think I'm going to pop in here a few times a week to share what recipes were a hit in our household; what books or articles I read that I think my friends would like; and movies, too.  I'll also share what art projects or home renovations we're doing.  Design and thrifting are becoming passions of mine and I love the chance to reorganize and refresh a corner of my home.  I'm going to write what I know and what I like to read.

I guess I'm reorganizing & renovating this blog space in a way, too.  It's time.

I hope you'll follow along and let me know what you like to read here and any feedback you have about writing about your children and how you reconcile their privacy issues.  I have so many unanswered questions, but I truly look forward to the process it will take for me to figure out the answers.

That, my friend, is my real life right now and I'm slowly embracing it and trying to sort it all out.  Wish me luck.

Happy Monday, friends.

My Middle School Concussion

Middle school is giving me a headache.

I'm writing this in jest, sort of, but I kind of feel like I was hit in the face with a bat and I'm slowly coming out of my middle school concussion and trying to shake it off.

I would also add that I was wholly unprepared for how these past six weeks were going to go down.

After researching middle schools last Spring, we decided to move Grady from the small town school he has attended for the past six years into a much larger charter school in town - about 10 miles away from home.  We knew it would be more rigorous academically and that appealed to us, plus with more students on campus we figured our son would be thrown into more social situations and have considerably more opportunities to try new things via his elective choices.  All in all, it looked like a good fit.  We also felt like we wanted him to be exposed to new friendships, new teachers, new ideas and have new experiences in a safe setting, like middle school, before he entered the big bad world of high school.

To that end, we jumped into summer with the mantra of try new things!  We traveled to Portland and Grady attended a marine mammal camp in Homer, Alaska.  He kept a creative writing journal and skateboarding became his summer thing.  My mother sent a box of cool new school clothes and we bought the requisite back-to-school supplies, so I thought yeah, I think we're ready to start school.

Wrong.

Wrong.

Wrong.

I mean, I was absolutely expecting that he wouldn't want to pose for a first day of sixth grade photo in front of his new school.  Sure, that would be embarrassing and I could surely give him a little leeway on that.

However, much to this mother's delight, he happily posed here at home and he felt pretty good about himself on the his first day of sixth grade, at a brand spanking new school, nonetheless.

What I was not expecting was the following:

1.  Girls.  I know.  I should have, but I didn't.

2.  The fact that my son would want to wear skinny jeans and a heavy knock-off letterman's jacket every. single. day.  Even in 80+ degree temperatures.

3.  The sports schedules would make our family out to be a bunch of late afternoon gypsies, shuttling from one sport to the next and all the while trying to figure out how and when we would make dinner on a nightly basis.

His first locker

4.  Girls trying to friend me up on social media as a way to see pictures of my son.  Hmm.

5.  The homework schedule.  When in the world would homework happen?

6.  The trumpet.  Didn't see that one coming.

7.  A boy-girl school dance wherein my son would rip the crotch out of the front of his pants from channeling Napoleon Dynamite and doing - the splits!

8.  Grady's sock penchant has been renewed and it's all colorful, knee-high length socks for this boy.  Turquoise, red, black - all the time.  It's a look I wasn't prepared for, but I'm slowly embracing.

9.  My son asking for my help in proofreading a breakup email he was drafting.  What the…?

10.  Flag football.  I had not one clue that my son would be interested in this activity.  None.

11.  And did I mention the girls?  The cheering.  The texting.  The squealing?  Oh, I remember being eleven years old.

Holy shit.

Karma.

The sports are coming to an end in the next week and I kind of love hearing him play the trumpet.  The first dance was a rite of passage and he has a great (albeit embarrassing) story to accompany that experience.

And the girls.  Well, I think they are here to stay.

So all the while when I thought I was preparing my only child to go to middle school, little did I know I should have been preparing myself for his middle school experience.

Mamas of little ones?  Here's what I want to say to you:

G @ four years old circa 2007
Cowboy hat, favorite polka-dot ribbon serving as a "dog harness" and his first pumpkin carving contest

Enjoy the first days of elementary school and the fact that your child dressed himself in some crazy get-up, or you picked out the adorable matching outfit.  Those days are numbered, my friend.  I write this as a cautionary tale and as a friendly warning.  Soak up the cuteness.  Take a picture.  Walk them to class as often as you can - even if you're in your pajamas/yoga pants.  Write down funny little things they say.  Savor it.  It's so freaking special.

Go to as many school plays and musicals as your schedule allows.  Cherish the handmade art they bring home every week.  Go to the dreaded PTA meetings and volunteer your time as much as you can, because your child will not want you to do this when they hit middle school.  Trust me.  I know you can't believe this right now, but it's true.  I didn't want to believe it either.

The bake sale?  The field trips?  The class parties?   Yes, go.  Buy store bought goods and throw them on the table.  Just go.  Your child wants you there.

You're so lucky.

::

I'm coming to understand the ins-and-outs of middle school and my son is settling in just fine.  I'm always a little slower on the uptake.  And while I reached out to his homeroom teacher to see how I could assist in class, she gently reminded me that typically, middle school is when parent presence inside the classroom diminishes.

Ouch.

And, yes, of course.  It's the time where I should start to let him have more freedom and loosen the parental grip I've had for the past decade.  I get that.  Really, I do.

You know how it's a good thing that you have nine months to process that you're pregnant and bringing a life into the world?  Well, I think it's a good thing middle school is three years in length because I'm going to need that long to navigate this new territory of tween-dom, emotions, friendships and, yes, girls.

And to that end, I think I have to step away from writing about my son for a bit.  It seems like the right time to give him some privacy and space.  I'm embarrassed to say that over the years writing here in this space, I have shared openly without much thought to his right to privacy.  Sure, I ask him if he's okay if I post a photo - but, now I'm not so sure about all of this and feel like I need to look deeper and examine this issue.

I need more time to figure it out.

It's a new world over here in our household and, honestly, I look forward to the coming changes and new adventures.  I'm just going to need to commiserate every now and again with friends and relish in this time of rapid growth and change - for all of us.

And, this mild middle school concussion is sure to go away, right?

I'll just need to stock up on the Advil.  Stat.

Social Media Overload

Recently, I decided to treat myself (and my family) to a subscription to the Sunday edition of the New York Times.  My first copy arrived yesterday.  Not to my doorstep, but to a small receptacle on my neighbor's property a few hundred yards down the road.  As corny as this may sound, the arrival of this iconic periodical made me feel like a full-fledged adult.  I have never subscribed to a newspaper.   I'm shamefully uninformed when it comes to politics and the stock market.  For the most part, I'm okay with that.

This simple act was actually my way of slowing down the clock in our household, making an intentional choice to read the printed word and to (hopefully) gain inspiration from the pages as I read, perused, clipped articles from and shared with my family.  Yesterday was the longest Sunday I can remember and it was glorious.

If I'm being honest, one of the triggers for me to subscribe to the paper was my recent evaluation of my usage of social media.  I'm on it.  A lot.

I recently spent a week in Portland with my family wherein I spent a few days in Powell's City of Books, thrice visited the main branch of the Portland Library, read two novels and picked up a copy of the Sunday New York Times.  I was immediately pulled in by all of the gorgeous fonts and typography.  The formatting and illustrations were beautiful.  I knew I wanted more.

In between all of that reading, I was constantly and incessantly checking my phone.  I'm totally embarrassed to write this, but it's true.  Instagram has become my social media crack addiction.  Facebook, too, to a lesser degree.

Taking pictures, posting and sharing a little blurb feels good to me.  I'm inspired daily by my friends and followers (that feels funny to type and read), but how much is enough?  Would I ever be satisfied by what I viewed or shared?  What was the value of all of this supposed connectedness?  Could I walk away from it?  I'm not so sure.

I'll tell you what doesn't feel good about the whole thing, my son saying "Mom, you're always on your phone."

Ouch.  That stung.

Conversations quickly turned around and my 11 year old son wanted to know if he could get an Instagram account.  My immediate answer was in the negative.  I didn't really even think about why, just no.  My husband thought we should discuss and give our son a reason.  I channeled my mother and father and thought it's no because I said so.  Oh, that didn't fly with my calm, level-headed, reasonable husband.

And so we debated the use of social media for our son and the pros and cons of same.  In doing this, I had to analyze my usage and what I was modeling for him.  The word hypocrite was spoken and hung in the air like an imaginary anvil ready to hit me in the head.

I am a social media hypocrite.

I had to let the weight of that settle in.

Now, I can justify it until I'm blue in the face.  The fact is - it's true.  I love the inspiration and sweet faces of my friends' children as they come across my phone screen.  I like receiving prompts to visit a new blog post written by someone I know.  I guess I'm a voyeur at heart.  I enjoy memoirs, real stories, real people and even if this is glimpsed in a seemingly impersonal way, through my phone screen, it still feels personal to me.

Two of my friends recently posted about their struggles here and here.  I've taken these words to heart and reexamined what social media means to me and how I can achieve a balance with it.

I think for me, I just need to step back and take a little break.  I'm an all or nothing kind of gal, but I want balance in this area.  I get a lot of good out of the friendships and relationships I've made through social media, as funny as that may sound to some, and I'm not ready to give them up completely.

For my first move towards a lighter social media infatuation, I decided to delete the Facebook app from my phone over breakfast.  I told Grady what I was doing and he told me I didn't have to.  I explained to him my reasoning and told him that I wanted to.  I told him I wanted to be more present and that looking at Facebook on my phone wasn't that big of a deal.

He told me that when he talks to me it seems like I'm not listening to him when I'm looking at my phone.  He said sometimes I don't even hear him.  Oh, my.

It's not only Grady that it is disconnecting me from, but it's my husband, too.  I go to bed with my phone under the guise that I check the time on it, but lately I'm on it before I go to sleep scrolling through pictures and catching up on the day of my fellow social media "friends".  I wake up in the morning and check the time and check up on what everyone was doing via Instagram and Facebook…while I slept!  Really?  Yes, really.

Instagram is a beautiful place to visit, but I'm going to try to put my phone away more often.  Just enjoy the day without needing to see what others are up to every 15 minutes.  I'm not going cold turkey, but I'm going to make a conscious effort to use it less and enjoy the beauty and solitude of my days here at home.  It won't be easy, but I don't think it will be that hard either.

So, for the foreseeable future, I will do my best to concentrate on putting my phone away and really being present for my guys and myself.  Grady is on a permanent hold when it comes to social media and I'm hoping this phase will pass or I'll be more prepared when the talk rolls around again.

Old habits are hard to break.

Wish me luck.  Or don't, if you need a break from commenting, posting, sharing, liking...

Life Lessons with Watercolors + Salt

I've been in a little bit of a creative rut lately.  It's like that for me.  I'm an all or nothing kind of gal and when I'm into something, I'm really into it.  And when that phase passes, I'm totally over it.

Rise Up ~ Aqua + Mustard watercolors + salt

Drawing and painting have been taking a backseat to reading lately.  I've been gobbling up books and enjoying the worlds that they have been transporting me to.  Last week I read this, this, this, this and this.

Worlds Colliding ~ Red + Orange watercolors + Salt

Sitting down to paint today, I experimented with circles, watercolors and salt.  The marbling effect was so fun to see come to life.  I feel like an elementary school student today with this artwork, but I'm okay with that.  I'm embracing my inner child.

Molten Orange Sun ~ Chartreuse + Orange watercolors + salt

If I think too much, then I can't create and I've been in my head a lot these days.  I stopped drinking alcohol for 15 days.  I haven't gone that long since I was 27 years old.  It kind of sounds bad when I lay it out like this, but it's true.  The past 17 years have been filled with celebratory champagne toasts, wine shop ownership and my newfound interest in crafting cocktails at home.

And while I don't want to talk about this issue too much here in this space, I needed to acknowledge it so that I can move on with my life and have the occasional adult beverage without guilt.  I've been marinating myself in words and solitude.  Throwing myself into my role as wife and mother.  Baking, organizing file cabinets and purging closet shelves.  These are my Virgo coping skills and they are well honed from years and years of small disappointments, mistakes, hurt feelings and longing.

When I take the route of organizing the chaos in my life, I am desperately seeking balance.  Most of the time I feel like I'm on a teeter-totter and there is a steady up-and-down, give-and-take with work, family, home and friendships.  However, lately it has felt like someone has unexpectedly jumped off the other end of the teeter-totter and there I go crashing down hard on the dirt floor.  When this happens, I actually like to sit in this place for a little while and think about what has gotten me here.  It's not a pity party per se, but more of a taking stock of things and sifting through my emotions.

I broke my 15 day alcohol-free run the other night and I felt a little bad about it.  Shamed myself most of the day yesterday and now I'm ready to move on.

Sunrise #1 - Blue + Orange watercolors + salt

This last painting is my favorite.

Tumultuous blue waters.

A hopeful sunrise on the horizon.

Salt.  If you are wounded, it can sting - or it can add texture and beauty.  It's all about perspective.

Possibility and new adventures await me.

It's a new day.

Day 2 to be exact.

It looks to be sunshiny & bright.

Now.

"Mom, I want to paint this."

Inspired by Nici's recent post Now about her children, I wanted to use that framework for a post about what all of us are doing right now.  I love this idea, as days and weeks go by so quickly and I want to remember the little, everyday things that bring me joy as I witness our family in this rhythm of life we are currently in.

Grady
Ripped jeans with smiley faces written on the knees in black Sharpie
Devouring author Rick Riordan's Mark of Athena
at the table, in the bathroom, in his bed, in the car
New freckles are splashed across the bridge of his nose
Fresh scratch on his right knee
End-of-the-year thank you note-writing to all of his teachers
Flipping his head to the left to get his sandy blonde locks of hair to swing across his forehead just so
Lots of looking in the mirror
Wedgie wars with his father that I'll never understand
Purple. All. The. Time.
Negotiations for more iPad time
Black, slouchy knit cap to contain his mop of hair
Plucking blueberries off our our one and only bush & eating them like candy
Sucking honeysuckle and bringing in flowers for me to enjoy, too
Watering our sunflower baby seedlings
Making his own peanut butter and jelly sandwiches

Steve
Fixing, syncing, troubleshooting all of our tech devices
Playing blackjack with G
Showing our son the Honey Badger videos on Youtube (nice, eh?)

Me
Morning doodling in my art journal
Too much coffee, always
Experimenting with embroidery
Searching for a new typewriter on Craig's List
Reorganizing every file in our file cabinets
144 pages into a 737 page book
Baking these blueberry oatmeal cookies with lemon glaze

Home
Local farmers are making hay
Grasses surrounding our home are over five feet tall
Volunteer opium poppies are blooming in the back garden
Newly planted nasturtiums bring hope for more edible flowers
I just discovered out oven has been 100 degrees off for the past seven years

Later today we will join in the celebration for the release party for the 5th volume of the literary magazine The West Marin Review.  One of Grady's watercolors will be featured and we are quite the proud parents.

Happy Sunday, folks.

Happy first day of June, too.

Carving Out the Life I Want

Creatively, I feel super fueled right now.  Giving myself permission to push things aside and make a mess at my kitchen table has been really freeing.  It's interesting for me to witness this shift at all because I'm usually so busy with regular life.  I might have missed this transformation, except I didn't.  I'm acutely aware of what's going on right now and I love it.  I chose it.  I'm making it happen.

I had a conversation with a friend a few weeks ago and when I asked how she was she replied rather casually, "You know, busy, as usual."  I found myself spouting out this nondescript answer a few days later and as the words were spilling out of my mouth I thought lame.  You are lame.  And, you are not that busy.  It was my automatic reply and I hated the sound of it.

First of all, I don't know a woman who isn't busy.  Seriously, all of the women I know are hard workers in the home and at their professions.  Juggling social obligations, charity work and family needs.  I came across the above graphic on Pinterest and decided to use it as my screensaver, so that it could serve as a daily reminder to stop saying the automatic I'm so busy and to set about clearing my schedule instead of adding more obligations to it.

Original art by the talented, Angela Miller
Mail from a new friend + my first paycheck for my writing from Mamalode Magazine

It feels like I'm flexing a new muscle and, to tell you the truth, it's not all that comfortable.  I'm not sure when I lost the ability to filter social invitations or community volunteer requests.  I think I'm always flattered by a request and really do like to bond over a meal or a good cause.  After years of doing this, I'm just toast.  Something had to give in this equation.  It was time.

Giving myself permission to attend a writer's workshop last month was the most generous thing I have done for myself in a long, long time.  Those stretch of days, surrounded by other creative souls, helped me to see that my life can be reinvented and enjoyed in a manner I have always craved, but just didn't have the guts to allow for me or my family. 

Design inspired by artist, Jen Hewett

I'm making art almost every morning and reading blogs and articles from people I admire, artists I want to learn from.  My day starts out beautiful and quiet and then the rest of the day (usually) follows suit.  It's absolutely intentional and seeing my life change its normal rhythm is pretty cool.

I'm showing up for my life and carving away the pieces that are stagnant and tired.  It's no wonder I have taken a shine to block carving lately.  It's a great metaphor for my life right this very moment.  I'm creating it, shaving off what's not necessary and seeing the beauty and simplicity in what remains.  If I like it, I can duplicate over and over again.

Taking control of our social calendar and only accepting those invitations that fit in with our schedule week-by-week feels good.  Releasing the feelings of trying to cram it all in is a tinge uncomfortable, but I'm quickly getting over it.  It's hard for me to say no to fun invitations, but I feel lighter and more free than I have in years.

Photo credit here

It's okay to say no.

It's okay to not be busy.

It's okay to not give excuses.

It's okay to say I can't go because I don't want to.

It's really okay.

Running For My Life

These past few weeks, my focus has been on diet, exercise and lowering my blood pressure.  I've sloughed off some bad habits and I'm trying to adopt new, healthier ones.  When my blood pressure reached the 160's over low 100's back in June, my doctors were very concerned.  They even uttered the words silent killer to me and that really freaked me out.  I've been working to correct my BP with medications, diet and exercise.  It hasn't been easy for this gal.

Middle Road sunrise during my two mile runs
The light is so golden and beautiful right now

Putting 10 mile Sunday hike dates on my calendar has really helped me start the week off right.  Once that's logged, I plan meals and future exercise dates with myself on my calendar.  I have to do this or I would just skip it.  I'm beginning week three and this is where I usually lose steam, but I've joined a private fitness group on Facebook (with friends that I know locally) and it's been a nice, encouraging little nudge throughout the week to help keep me focused and accountable.

My blood pressure is 129/87 as of last Friday and I've lost .3 pounds.  The BP news was fantastic and I feel relieved that something is working to lower it (even if it's that damned medication!).

Much Ado About Sebastopol :: Renaissance Faire
Up-close falcons - sword fighting lessons - leather necklace making :: win, win, win

My boy has been totally in love with the 5th grade.  Oh, I remember my 5th grade year and I, too, was smitten with growing up, fashion and new playground dynamics.  He's quite in love with looking at himself in the mirror and asking me is this cool, mom? as it relates to his hair, clothing, accessories and shoe choices.  

Gearing up to be goalie for his very 1st time!  

Sports.  I most definitely have a love-hate relationship with sports, personally and as it relates to my son.  I think it all stems from my childhood (as these things do) and the hours upon hours that our t.v. was turned ON and tuned in to professional sports.  With all of those hours logged in front of Wimbledon tennis, NFL football and the never-ending baseball season, I feel it left me a little burnt out.  Add in the hours I spent on the drill team and cheer leading for these type of sports and you've got yourself a little sports overload syndrome (S.O.S. - I made this up, obviously).

We've been cable-free for five years and that has eliminated Sportscenter and sporting event broadcasts from our home.  That has been a double-edged sword.  On one hand, it would be nice for my hard working husband to actually relax and watch a game every once in a while after a long day.  It would also be helpful for Grady to join his father in the act of hanging out together, bonding over yelling at their favorite team(s) and mastering the art of the remote control.  I also think it would help Grady understand many of the sports he has dabbled in (soccer, basketball, golf, tennis and baseball).  On the other hand, I love that we don't have all that junky influence of pop culture and advertising campaigns infiltrating our brainwaves.  We have done just fine without it.

But if I'm being honest, sports are not my son's thing.  They just aren't.  And I've been wrestling with where I stand on this.  I think I've rallied behind him and tried to be encouraging, but he still lacks any drive or motivation for team sports.  He has no hustle or energy on any field or court, except tennis.  And while tennis is great, it's not a team sport.  Originally, we thought it was important for our only child to be part of something bigger than himself.  We were intentional with his sporting endeavors, but not overbearing.  We asked him if he wanted to play, we listened to his answers and signed him up accordingly on a team.  But my thoughts are changing and I think he should give tennis a try.  He likes solitary activities like drawing, reading and looking at himself in the mirror.  Perhaps he can work on his tennis form while gazing at himself.  Oh, my only child.

I read this article yesterday morning and couldn't get those six words out of my head :: I love to watch you play.  Six powerful words to say to your child post-game in the car ride home.  No questions about the game and no loaded phrases fraught with judgment.  Just those six words.  I tried it out and it felt good.  Grady seemed content and probably relieved not to discuss the game.  The writer of that article said that it's a signal that sends the simplest, most powerful signal:  this is about you.  I am your parent, not your coach or judge.  You make me really, really happy.  I really needed to read this yesterday because my son does make me really, really happy and he should get to know and feel that after 60 minutes of running around a field with his teammates.

Happiest kid on the block (or hillside, as the case may be)

On the musical front, we recently attended a Local Natives concert in Oakland at the Fox Theatre.  We grabbed dinner beforehand and stayed out until midnight and it actually resembled a date.  The band was phenomenal live and they had the coolest light show going on behind them.  The weirdest thing about the show was that all the younger hipsters were constantly on their iPhones either filming, snapping photos or checking social media while the band was playing!  I refused to snap a photo inside the venue and be like them (see my judgment is coming out again) because it looked absolutely ridiculous.  It made me think about how much we are on our little devices and how it looks to our peers, children and public at large.  For 90 minutes I just thoroughly enjoyed the band and time nestled close to my man.  I didn't need to record it, I was living it.

Grady has been coveting these Coloud brand headphones for weeks (pictured above).  We came to a happy compromise on the electronics front.  He was posturing for an iTouch or iPhone (keep in mind he just purchased a regular iPod nano with his own birthday money this past April), which are out of the question for at least a few more years.  He was deflated and disappointed, but I slowly figured out (after mild interrogation) that what he really wanted was to look cool.  A-ha!  This mama can most definitely understand how that feels and I think 5th grade is when it starts to matter, or at least it did for me.  We took the opportunity to teach him about researching headphones, working within his budget of $30 and going to test out the headphones in person.  Target did not have the color headphones that he wanted, so we ordered online and they were shipped via FedEx from Sweden (an added bonus for the cool factor!).  The by-product of this online transaction was the additional lesson of delayed gratification.  A perfect combination in my book.  He counted down the days until their arrival and I don't think I've seen him this happy in a long, long time. Hopefully, this will stave off his yearning for more handheld electronics.  The jury is still out on that, but I'm cautiously optimistic.

Lunch Notes, Quotes + Reminders
A very busy poster in English + Spanish

Last week was back to school night and I helped paint signage and assisted with serving dinner to a good percentage of our entire school family population.  It was a wonderful night and I'm looking forward to all of the new teachers and classes offered this year at Tomales Elementary School.

The chess club has started up again and will continue for six weeks.  I love that the principal finally let me organize this after school club last year.  The kids are so excited...to play chess!  It sounds funny, but it's true.

Pecan-mini chocolate chip scones adapted from the Angry Chicken blog

I'm trying to reduce the amount of meat we consume.  It's been easier than I thought and dinner time has been creative, to say the least.  I'm reading Gwyneth Paltrow's new book It's All Good and trying to find the balance between healthy and totally over-the-top.  Starting the day with breakfast and 24 ounces of water has helped catapult me into a day of eating mindfully and feeling full (because of all that damned water!).  My husband and son are along for the ride and are such good sports.

Middle Road, Valley Ford (left)
Arch Rock, Pt. Reyes National Seashore (right)

These days of September have melted into weeks and it's been hard to come back here and write in this space.  I put so much pressure on myself to write here, but sometimes that just paralyzes me and I get overwhelmed with how many images I want to share and if my thoughts will translate easily into words and flow here in this space.

I got up at 3:30 am this morning and knew I needed to peruse my recent pics, dig deep and share what has been bubbling up inside of me.

Thanks little blog.  I needed to run to you and jot this down, so that I can get out there and run for my health today.  I feel depleted and restored at the same time at the end of this post.

I feel ready to take on this day.

Mindfulness

Free cherry tomatoes found at the Valley Ford P.O.

This time of year always sparks a renewal for me.  I had a spectacular birthday weekend, which naturally spilled into the week and then into the next.  I like it this way - a nice, long celebration and time for reflection on my life.

Grady's art designs + thrift shop t-shirts = Upcycled Goodness

I've been busying myself with art projects and volunteer posts at Grady's school.  I'm trying to let go of a few things and add in activities that feed my soul and keep pushing me forward as a woman, as a mama, as a wife.

I rung in my 43rd year with a beautiful, intimate dinner party hosted by our good friends and neighbors, Scott + Jill.  The dessert was a beautiful Rothko-inspired ice cream cake and it was as delicious as it was unique.

I spent a marathon day thrifting with Steph and the kids and we wound up with 11 pairs of shoes purchased between us!  It was an epic day of shopping and boy were we exhausted when it was all said and done.

The next day was spent hiking 10 miles near the Russian River in Jenner.  The intention of starting off this 43rd year in an active and positive way was not far from my mind and I'm so glad I chose to get out in the world, laugh, talk and feel myself getting stronger as I headed into this next year on earth.

Home + Books + Flowers + Cake + My Boy

I've been putting off going to the doctor to follow-up on my high blood pressure diagnosis.  I guess I was hoping the medication she previously put me on would be working its magic and that these few months of changed diet and exercise may have had a positive impact on my numbers.

Well, I was wrong.

Soccer season is in full swing - my favorite spectator sport

As I sat in the doctor's office quietly trying to settle my mind and rest my heart rate, I started to think about this getting older thing.  I've never been afraid to age, but it finally clicked for me that it was more than just turning a number on your birthday.  Getting older was about being more in tune with yourself, knowing your weaknesses and strengths.  Paying attention to my body and how it reacted to things has been new for me.  I've taken my health and diet for granted for as long as I can remember.  I'm not bragging, but I just didn't consider myself into the equation...until now.

Kooky carrots grown at my office garden plot
Asian pears from our one and only abundant pear tree

Getting those test results and hearing that my blood pressure is still in the unsafe zone (135/103) really made me stop and ask myself when are you going to grow up and take care of yourself?  I take care of everyone else, how about me?  Now I know how to have a good time and overindulge, but I'm clueless on the delicate balance of less is more when it comes to red meat, alcohol and salt.  I've never monitored it and, yes, it's gotten me into some sticky situations - but I've only stopped my bad behavior intermittently, rested up and then started all over again.

This doctor's appointment freaked me out and reminded me that this should be a wonderful year of balance and not the same 'ole do whatever you want and pay for it later kind of year.

And so I declined going to the wine shop on last Friday night (even though Sunset magazine was there doing a photo shoot on the deck overlooking the bay!) and opted to stay home with my boy, read a few good cookbooks and allow myself a very dry martini while I settled into reading about the new habits I would be adopting in the kitchen in the coming weeks.

This week started off clean and fresh.  I even purchased a small bag of nutritional yeast, dried goji berries and a jar of Veganaise.  No laughing.  I blame Gwyneth Paltrow and her new book.  Sister has convinced me to try a few new things.

I'm turning over a new leaf where my diet and weekly exercise are concerned, as well as ratcheting down my cocktail hour shenanigans (not completely, but severely).  I've made running dates with my husband (and he stood me up on the first one!), penciled in mega-hikes with the girlfriends for the next month and cancelled a few dinner party invites that I knew would land me in the overindulgent morning after mode.

Yes, I'm going to practice mindfulness as it relates to my health.

That only took 43 years to process.

43

Today is my 43rd birthday.

I woke up early and immediately started thinking about my mother.  She walked out on our family and divorced my dad when she was 43 years old.  My mind is turned on to an endless loop of memories and this is not how I wanted to start this day, this year.  But I can't help myself.

Birthdays and New Year's Day have the same effect on me.  I love the idea of renewal, beginnings and an opportunity for list-making of any kind.  The thoughts springing into my mind from 20 years ago are messing with my plan to document this day in a positive light.  I decide to make a pot of coffee and plop myself down on the couch until my guys wake up.

I'm supposed to meet my friends this morning for a 10 mile hike and drop Grady off so that he can train for his upcoming bike race, but I can't stop seeing images of my family like snapshots running through my mind.

Snap!  My dad and my siblings gathered around the dining room table, crying and begging my mother to come home to us.

Steve wanders in and looks confused when he sees me up so early on the day I had asked for him and Grady to serve me coffee in bed.

Snap!  My father sleeping on my bedroom floor night after night, sobbing and continually asking me questions I couldn't answer about my mom.

I find a hand-painted birthday card from my husband and it is a painting of our home.  I start to cry, not because I'm sad, but because I'm so aware of my life in this moment.  This sweet gesture brings me back to my reality and the beginning of my 43rd year.  I quickly get dressed, pack up and head north on Highway One.

Snap! I'm moving back home to help normalize things for my brother and dad.  My sister has taken sides and she has moved in with my mom.  We've all taken sides.  Our home is broken.

The prospect of hiking for 10 miles with my girlfriends is just what I needed.  It is a beautiful day, the fog is lifting and revealing the bluest sky and cotton ball-like clouds.  The trail is wide and we walk and gab about everything under the sun.  This is my church, my confessional.  I share with the girls about my early morning musings about my mom and they listen, nod their heads, touch my shoulder and hear me out.

Snap! Our first Thanksgiving without mom.  My dad tries to do it up like we've always done, but it leaves us all a big crumpled mess of emotions.  It's not the same.  It's not the same at all and we've finally used the good china.  That just makes it sadder.

I scoop up my boy after our hike and head home.  He's exhausted from his major bike ride and asleep before I even leave the tiny town of Jenner.  I look at him in my rearview mirror, his face smooshed up against the seatbelt, head bobbing side to side as we take the curves down the coast.  He is the best part of my life and I couldn't imagine ever choosing to leave him.  Ever.

Snap!  It's late and my sister and I are cruising a parking lot looking for my mother's car.  We find it.  We find her.  She's with a guy.  The realization quickly sets in that she's left our family for this man.  We are shocked and somehow not surprised at the same time.  

Once we get home I put Grady to bed, lower his blinds, pull his baby blanket over him and kiss his forehead.  He has fallen into a deep slumber and I quietly leave his room and shut the door behind me.

Snap!  My dad is asking my advice on what to wear on his date with my mom.  He's nervous and shaking.  He bought her a music box and will gift it to her tonight.  She will accept it, but they will never go out again.  It's over for good this time.

I spend the rest of the day cataloging my 43 years and trying to conjure up happy memories of my life, the family I've helped to create.  Steve gets home and we play Apples to Apples with G, we cook dinner together, clean up and start watching a Bill Cosby DVD.  I leave the two of them laughing on the couch and head to bed to read and think.

Snap!  My parents are dating other people.  My dad brings a woman home.  I move out.  My mom is bartending at a dive bar in town.  My dad has just fired his therapist.  My brother is doing drugs.  My sister hates everyone, including herself.  My mom drinks kamikazes now.

Before climbing into bed, I look at the card my husband made me and I'm reminded that we've made this funky little farmhouse our home.  I usher out the memories that have filled my head all day and end this day fresh, clear and satisfied.

I hope that when my son gets older and reflects on how we spent birthdays, he looks back on this day and...

Snap!  He remembers an incredibly crisp Sunday morning spent with friends, our evening together as a family and that we ended it with lots of laughter.   

That's all I want for my birthday this year.

Snap.

Winding down + New Routine

Sunday morning walking group on Doran Beach, Bodega Bay

As the days of summer are winding down, I've been reflecting on what and how we filled our days and how very quickly they came and went.  I start to feel a little melancholy for the season that isn't really officially over, but I'm aware of its demise and mourn the loss of our complete and total freedom.

This summer went by so very fast, but I enjoyed it.  All of it.  And while we didn't do everything on our summer wish list, we did new and unexpected things (Hello, Alaska!).

Shoes I've been searching for all summer long finally found me at the local thrift shop
Reading this sweet book by librarian, Josh Hanagarne

I look forward to a new rhythm in our home and like seeing it take shape organically.  This second week of school has reminded me of the daily rituals that keep our home humming - coffee, breakfast, to-do lists and morning laundry.  As I slide out bed and shuffle to the bathroom, my head fills with thoughts of things that must get done today, projects I want to explore and what's for dinner.

Thrifted onesie + Hot Pink Ombré Monkey design by Grady
This little gem will be a present for our neighbor's new baby, Vivianna 

I interviewed for a job at the Sonoma County Museum a few weeks back and just found out I didn't get it.  A small wave of relief washed over me as I read the rejection email.  The thing is, I wasn't ready to go back to work full-time, but when a job opening at a museum presented itself I felt like I had to jump.  I happen to really enjoy my current non-money making job as wife, mother and homemaker.  Oh, sure, I work part-time doing bookkeeping for a local politician and go into an office two days a week for a few hours to do more bookkeeping, but that's just to earn a little extra money and it's definitely not my passion.

Sometimes it feels like I'm not contributing enough to the equation here on the home front, as I watch my husband work long hours and bring home the bacon.  Do other moms feel this way?  I'm sure they do.  I lamented about this with a friend and she gave me sage advice that I won't soon forget - Your kids are only little once.  You can work full-time later.  Eat rice and beans, if you need to.  Be frugal and consider that your job.  Do whatever you can to be there for Grady.  You think when they are little they need you, but as he approaches middle school (and high school!) he'll need you more than ever.  

And I breathed a sigh of relief.  Relief for the permission to just be a mother and to quit feeling guilty about it.  These last five years since I have sold my shop and Grady has started public school have gone so quickly, as everyone said they would.  I'm just getting the hang of this full-time mothering thing and it's nice to be reminded that I am still valuable, I do work and I can make a difference for our little household just by taking care of my son, our home, cooking dinner, making life easier for my husband so that he can work outside the home and grabbing part-time gigs when my son is at school.  It feels so 1950's and it actually feels good.

I'm ready for this new routine and grateful to a fellow mom for helping to remind me that I already have the best job on the planet.

A Year in Photos & Words :: 2012

I've taken the month of January to really disconnect and listen to my inner voice that told me I needed to slow way down, rest and reflect on the last year, as well as the one ahead of me.  

We've been home a lot this month due to sickness and found a quiet groove by puttering around the house, indulging in video games, movie watching and organizing our surroundings.

Nightly rituals of boiling water and sipping tea really set the pace for our month and I enjoyed the quietness of January, my favorite month of the year.  I wanted to look back at 2012 and commemorate it somehow, so that's what I've done below in a few photos and words.  Follow me...

• Moderation.  My mantra and inspirational word for the year would be Moderation.
• We spent several gorgeous January days at the beach with the Rangels.
• Attended the Bodega Bay Crab Feed with the Mathers' clan
• Spent "the best day of my life, so far" in the city with Grady.  We ate at Benihana's (which he loved), strolled Japantown's Goodwill, walked up and down Valencia Street and visited 826 Valencia + the cool taxidermy shop next door
• January found us at the de Young Museum & the Academy of Sciences with the Rangel girls
• SL & G went to Southern California to celebrate Bea's 90th birthday

• We met 104 year old Miss Rhea Grimm & G interviewed her and learned about her life
• Lambs are everywhere in February and we stopped often to photograph them
• Homemade mixed media Valentine's Day cards + SL's awesome crab cakes
• Lots of storms, mustard blooming in the fields & bouquets of daffodils all month long
• Harry Potter #2 and Hugo were this month's favorite book selections for the boy
• We've had big storms & weekend basketball games
• The Bodega Bay Cabaret was a hit & G stayed for both shows and was called up on stage at intermission by the Russian Emcee!

• Working on the Sea Ranch Lodge renovation project kept me busy this month
• There was a lot of fort building in the back pasture & hikes behind our house
• G's first ballet w/ the Rangel women - Romeo & Juliet at the SF Symphony Hall
• Games were all the rage this month - Yahtzee, chess & Jenga!
• David & Manuella were here from France
• Bobcat killed one of our chickens on St. Patrick's Day
• We cleaned up Salmon Creek Beach 
• I'm working on my first political campaign for the re-election of Supervisor Efren Carrillo

• The Tall Ships visited Bodega Bay this month and helped set off the 200th anniversary celebration of the Russians coming to Bodega Bay!
• We slipped in two road trips to Southern California this month (yes, two!) and helped Lavinia celebrate her 90th birthday and spent Easter at the Christiansen compound
• G performed "Stairway to Heaven" on the recorder, along with the 3rd, 4th & 5th grade classes at Tomales Elementary School - absolutely priceless
• We attended Kai's art show in Forestville and were very social this month
• Birthday breakfast celebration for a certain nine year old, complete with homemade donuts & presents opened before school
• Gigi arrived on G's birthday and stayed with us for a week
• A new mountain bike was his big gift this year
• The 39th Annual Fisherman's Festival happened and my mom watched Grady, made meals and took care of us during this crazy weekend

• May found us in San Francisco a few times and G studied cartooning with Emma Capps at 826 Valencia
• Strawberries are finally in season and I always forget how good they taste when picked fresh
• Piano recitals, birthday parties where you get to do archery, belated birthday Lego cakes and Mother's Day is how we spent some of our time this month
• G finally got his wig snipped and thought he looked really cool with his new professionally cut hairdo 

• Sunset Magazine Celebration weekend with S + J & G
• Local elections were upon us and Supervisor Efren Carrillo was re-elected!
• I hit the road w/ Jill & Sissy and relaxed in Big Sur before school let out
• Harvested our garlic crop & picked strawberries at Swallow Valley Farms (and made jam ;-)
• Father's Day was spent at True Grass Farms for an amazing brunch & bubbles by the Estero, complete with hayride and guitar picking 
• The guys biked round trip to Tomales with the Rangel women (approximately 15 miles)
• A week of sleeping in and then the summer academies started at TES, where G would focus on marine biology with Mr. Risley

• July was all about being a kid and having fun in the summertime.  We packed it full to the brim and we loved all of it!
• Fireworks, feather collecting, s'mores, soccer practice
• Peach harvesting, meeting a friend from Russia!, making first-ever pickles & redwood cross from CYO camp
• More s'mores, first tomato of the season, dinner parties with friends & golf camp
• Daily drawing journal, dining alfresco, camping at Gerstle Cove with the days and swim lessons
• We stay-cationed at the Mahley house in Bodega Harbour
• G discovered the Rohnert Park Library and it became his new favorite

• First-ever CYO day camp + one overnight.  G was nervous and almost didn't stay for the overnight part, but he would have missed s'mores, spying on the older camps, watching a movie under the night's sky and feeling like a big kid
• We went to Southern California, again, to visit the Christiansens
• Legos, soccer practices, books and cooking at home were all front and center this month
• The Big Event in Bodega was a sweet highlight and the Tippi Hedren look alike was funny
• Blackberries started to show themselves and our first batch of blackberry jam was delish
• Wildwood by Colin Meloy was the best book I read this year.  I shared this book with Grady and we loved the magical forest that is Wildwood.

• School is back in session and I get sad for the fun-driven summer plans
• I turn 42 this year and celebrated quietly with my guys
• Soccer season is in full swing & G secured Mombo's as the team sponsor.  He wrote the owner a heartfelt letter and his teammates were stoked!
• Our first visit to the Legion of Honor to see the Man Ray exhibit
• Bert's mom passed away and I flew to Southern California for the services
• G got a big haircut for 4th grade and was quite nervous the day before school started.  He has the same teacher as last year, Mr. Demsher.
• Reading, drawing and soccer are keeping this boy very busy
• We cheered Isabella on as she completed the Medio Fondo with her mom - over 67 miles on her bicycle and up over Coleman Valley Road.  Super. Star.

• The Angry Hippos made it to the Harvest Cup playoffs and ended up with 2nd Place for the season
• We hiked Muir Woods as a family and it was magical (hot, but magical)
• Our family participated in the Russian River Mud Run 5K, along with the Rangel clan
• The Annual Chute Pumpkin Carving Contest found Steve's bulldog pumpkin taking 2nd place
• G was really into Origami this month and spent hours in his art studio making cootie catchers in the color palette of the Star Wars' characters, mainly Yoda
• Grady raised $620 to help his 4th grade class with the school-wide jog-a-thon.  He completed 20 laps overall
• Obama was re-elected and that was a relief!
• We got a few new chicks from Hands Full Farm and discovered two roosters in the flock!
• Mush ball is the chosen recess activity and Steve made one for G to take to school (only to lose, get sad about it, write a note to Fil the janitor & presto! Mush ball returned)

• We said our goodbyes to Ollalieberry, our 23 year old llama neighbor
• Grady & I flew to Arizona to see my mom and the extended family and it sure was a nice visit
• The 1st ever Pie Auction was put on by the Valley Ford Young Farmers Association and was a total hoot!  This has to be an annual event and I did "win" three pies + a one year CSA subscription to Bloomfield Farms U-pick program.
• Steve roasted a beautiful turkey and we hosted Thanksgiving with Scott, Jill, Eric K. and had Patty & Charlie stop by for a glass of bubbly before all the food eating began
• Suzann's annual tree-trimming party is a highlight of my year and always takes place on the Saturday following Thanksgiving
• The weekend weather was gorgeous
• Grady took a slip off our deck while taking out the compost and ended up with pomegranate seeds all over his face.  I thought he knocked his teeth out.  He was banged up and sad.  So was this mama.  Broke my heart hearing him scream like that 

• Crab feeds, holiday bazaars, craft fairs, birthday and xmas parties - December was full of them
• We chose to keep it simple (or at least try to) this holiday season and celebrated little things each day with the use of the Advent calendar - I loved this practice & so did G
• We had major storms and road closures
• Steve's dad drove up for xmas & to celebrate his 70th birthday
• We hosted our annual xmas eve open house & Anna Erickson wrung this rooster's neck on her way out the door - never to be repeated, I'm sure - that girl can make an exit!
• Scott & Kacy and the boys showed up a few days after Steve's dad left and we rung in the new year over a savory meal with Scott & Jill.  Poor Steve was quarantined for most of their visit, as he was sick, sick, sick.
• G did not get a iPod touch from Santa and learned that you can't always get what you want.
• Grady read like a mad-man this year and read a grand total of 417 books for 2012!  Amazing.

How did we do all of that?  

Wow. 

I'm tired at the end of this post.  What a full and wonderful life we've created.  I had fun looking back and it helped remind me of why we work so hard, live where we live and how very lucky we are.

My husband is not pictured much here on this blog and I'm sure he's quite fine with it, but he's usually off working hard so that I can spend my days seeking beauty, creating memories and learning how to manage my time as wife, mother, sister, daughter & friend.  I've got a good one in that man of mine.

Here's to a great 2013.  I can't wait to see what happens.